this is my outlet. The thoughts raging in my head that drown me in despair or make me emotionally eat, I just need to get these out.
First my job. I've had 4 bosses since the beginning of the year. After the first one left I had to take on responsibilities and grow as a manager. But I was drowning. My team, the functions we were responsible for - it wasn't enough. We weren't enough people, the work wasn't sound. I couldn't pull it together, especially now that my team had grown by 1 and this person was sub-par in comparison to S and myself. Harsh judgment but true. The team had to now carry some dead-weight too.
Then the house I'm living in. No hot water for a month and this was during the winter. I had to shower in cold water or at my friends' houses. I started off at their houses but after a while, I was embarrassed. Why couldn't I be somewhere with hot water. The floors would break, there were vermin issues. I was getting depressed.
That sounds like I recovered doesn't it? I feel depressed.
My insecurities have popped up too. I've always had them, but now I felt even worse. I see insult in every benign statement.
I had just left my anti-depressants, and been doing so well. Now it seems that the anxiety I suffered, and the insecurities have come back.
Am I stronger than this?
I sure hope so.
All of this just confuses me and makes me edgy, tired and annoyed. With myself.
So then, there's the whole I feel lonely and need a man thing. Not so easy when u spend your days working or not going out because you feel fat and ugly. Which is how I feel.
I mean I am fat, so that would be why that's happening.
You know? I can do better than this, better than insecurities and fear. I am stronger than this. I hope.
I need to get out of where I am - there has to be better.
You tell me - is there better?
First my job. I've had 4 bosses since the beginning of the year. After the first one left I had to take on responsibilities and grow as a manager. But I was drowning. My team, the functions we were responsible for - it wasn't enough. We weren't enough people, the work wasn't sound. I couldn't pull it together, especially now that my team had grown by 1 and this person was sub-par in comparison to S and myself. Harsh judgment but true. The team had to now carry some dead-weight too.
Then the house I'm living in. No hot water for a month and this was during the winter. I had to shower in cold water or at my friends' houses. I started off at their houses but after a while, I was embarrassed. Why couldn't I be somewhere with hot water. The floors would break, there were vermin issues. I was getting depressed.
That sounds like I recovered doesn't it? I feel depressed.
My insecurities have popped up too. I've always had them, but now I felt even worse. I see insult in every benign statement.
I had just left my anti-depressants, and been doing so well. Now it seems that the anxiety I suffered, and the insecurities have come back.
Am I stronger than this?
I sure hope so.
All of this just confuses me and makes me edgy, tired and annoyed. With myself.
So then, there's the whole I feel lonely and need a man thing. Not so easy when u spend your days working or not going out because you feel fat and ugly. Which is how I feel.
I mean I am fat, so that would be why that's happening.
You know? I can do better than this, better than insecurities and fear. I am stronger than this. I hope.
I need to get out of where I am - there has to be better.
You tell me - is there better?
