Fuzzy...

I've been walking in a weird depressive funk lately.   My friend left and it's like I lost an arm or something far more valuable.
I've been painting in order to exorcise the feelings I've been having.  So far so good - distance has done a lot to alleviate the symptoms, as has time.  I am making it a point to distance myself, but sometimes I can't help it.

So this post isn't about that at all though, I'm just laying the framework down.

This is about truth. The truth is, I feel more like my old self every day.  The girl who was unbound and free.  Now I'm facing my current situation and wondering what I want to do.  I love to paint, and write and bake.  I want to learn some more - I would love to travel the world and explore the world.  As I grow older, I realize just how short-sighted and shallow my knowledge of the world is.  I want to see more of it.

I'm bound by my current constraints, my job, my life, my decisions, others' expectations. I want to break free.

Do you ever feel like you've been waiting your entire life for something to happen? And it just hasn't happened? I'm there - and I've realized, I have to make it happen.  Can I make it happen?  Am I willing to take the risk...?

You know I think I can - the most joy and pride in myself that I've ever felt in my life is when I have brought forth how I felt, when I presented it, laid it out on the table.  It was a great risk and generally met with rejection or loss; still, I don't give up.  Like hope, I tried to give it up, as well as faith, and I couldn't.  To reject faith and hope was to reject a core part of who I am.

I've been hurting, but it feels like the hurting has been healing me and preparing me for my next jumping point.  And so I paint, and I draw and I write here.

Oh, and I love True Blood.  Its the little things, like HBO that make everything great!

updates....

this is my outlet. The thoughts raging in my head that drown me in despair or make me emotionally eat, I just need to get these out.

First my job. I've had 4 bosses since the beginning of the year. After the first one left I had to take on responsibilities and grow as a manager. But I was drowning. My team, the functions we were responsible for - it wasn't enough. We weren't enough people, the work wasn't sound. I couldn't pull it together, especially now that my team had grown by 1 and this person was sub-par in comparison to S and myself. Harsh judgment but true. The team had to now carry some dead-weight too.

Then the house I'm living in. No hot water for a month and this was during the winter. I had to shower in cold water or at my friends' houses. I started off at their houses but after a while, I was embarrassed. Why couldn't I be somewhere with hot water. The floors would break, there were vermin issues. I was getting depressed.

That sounds like I recovered doesn't it? I feel depressed.

My insecurities have popped up too. I've always had them, but now I felt even worse. I see insult in every benign statement.

I had just left my anti-depressants, and been doing so well. Now it seems that the anxiety I suffered, and the insecurities have come back.

Am I stronger than this?

 I sure hope so.

All of this just confuses me and makes me edgy, tired and annoyed. With myself.

So then, there's the whole I feel lonely and need a man thing. Not so easy when u spend your days working or not going out because you feel fat and ugly. Which is how I feel.

I mean I am fat, so that would be why that's happening.

You know? I can do better than this, better than insecurities and fear. I am stronger than this. I hope.

I need to get out of where I am - there has to be better.

You tell me - is there better?

So tired...

So, today I left work with my friend and co-worker mad at me. We had started to bicker over the fact that I won't indiscriminately approve his PTO, and how he could retaliate against me. And I just shut up.
I didn't want to fight anymore and I didn't want to throw something out there that would hurt our friendship.
I'm tired of him trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants. I feel like I can't even make my own decisions without him second guessing them for me.
I'm tired.
And then afterwards, I just felt so heartrendingly lonely. That feeling of, no one will ever want me as I am and I have no desire to change. Actually, I change all the time, but it feels so sad to be alone.
It's not that bad you know. I'm not dying or in serious pain or anything. Mini-pity party!

That's it for now~

Nothing in particular...

You know how sometimes you have an amazing realization about yourself. You realize you are talented beyond imagination, or that you possess a skill that leads to your passions being fulfilled. I had the anti-realization.
I'm average.
I picture it as this - In the movie of Life, there are stars, supporting characters, villains, heroes and everything in between. I'm passerby#3. I don't even have a name, nor a speaking part.
I'm so unexceptional that if we were to walk by each other, I wouldn't be a shadow.

No, I'm not trying to put myself down. (Well - I do self-deprecate though.)

My point is, I feel so uninspiring. I have no particular talent, nothing that is wholly me.
I have my idiosyncracies of course, but anything to make me special? I don't think so.

I observe others all the time, and I lean back and see other people's special qualities. I do not see any in myself.
I just feel so .... unreleased.

On a side note, I've gotten braces.

And here's my funny story:
When it was just my younger brother and I, we'd always drink water from the water jug my mom kept cool in the fridge. Everytime I went to take a drink, I'd always have to go to the bathroom. So, as I was drinking, I would awkwardly stand and draw my knees together. It never failed.

So, one night my brother did the same thing. I asked him why and he said because I always did.

Self-Awareness...

So, the weekend before Thanksgiving and I had a few self-revelations.

First of all, as I was driving home from buying the pie's for the work Thanksgiving meal, I found that my mom would be telling me stories. I mean these weren't just stories, they were rambling epics that detailed things from the past and the present, and I would get so lost. Then I smiled, because she did this a lot and most of the time I didn't listen (because most of the time when she talked I was trying to watch TV.)

The I remembered the way my friend S. would act when I was chattering at him, and my smile grew wider.  Of course, I had inherited my chatterbox tendencies from my mother.

Then there's the whole broken heart. I finished reading a book that broke my heart because while the story was of life, it wasn't a life free from heartache or pain. I cried for the characters and their losses. I rarely get so emotionally involved (preferring to remain emotionally uninvolved in my reading as in my life.)

But I cried, big tear drops that soaked my sleep shirt. A broken heart that overflowed and threatened to overwhelm me in emotion.

All because of a book. Wow.

So then I started to wonder about my life, where I was going and what I was doing.

I can't say I'm happy with who I am at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my life,  but then the parts when I'm by myself and I observe who I am, recall my reactions and I realize, I could be better.

I'm getting braces soon but that won't fix my personality or character.

I also want to be healthier, but I find myself suffering from so much anxiety at the prospect of going back to Capoeira. Part of it is the people. I find I can barely relate to them sometimes, and when I can't relate I can't tolerate.

It's my personality again - it's all my naturally nervous tendencies. I have started weaning off my anti-dep/anti-anxiety medication. I don't want to get back on those, so I think I'm going to start researching meditation techniques. Oh and following these rules (borrowed from Helen Fielding and Olivia Joules)

Very Useful Rules for Living Stolen from Olivia Joules

1. Never panic. Stop, breathe, think.
2. No one is thinking about you. They're thinking about themselves, just like you.
3. Never change haircut or color before an importan event.
4. Nothing is either as bad or as good as it seems.
5. Do as you would be done by, e.g. thou shalt not kill.
6. It is better to buy one expensive thing that you really like than several cheap ones that you only quite like.
7. Hardly anything matters: If you get upset, ask yourself, "Does it really matter?"
8. The key to success lies in how you pick yourself up from failure.
9. Be honest and kind.
10. Only buy clothes that make you feel like doing a small dance.
11. Trust your instincts, not your overactive imagination.
12. When overwhelmed by disaster, check if it's really a disaster by doing the following: 

      (a) think, "oh, F*&% it," 

      (b) look on the bright side and, if that doesn't work, look on the funny side.
If neither of the above works then maybe it is a disaster so turn to items 1 and 4.
13. Don't expect the world to be safe or life to be fair.
14. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
15. Don't regret anything. Remember that wasn't anything else that could have happened, given who you were and the state of the world at the moment. The only thing you can change is the present, so learn from the past.
16. If you start regretting something and thinking, "I should have done..." always add, "but then I might have been run over by a lorry or blown up by a Japanese-manned torpedo." 

The promise of a future....

So, Halloween is around the corner. And I'm very excited. My Halloween costume is very cute and just a little bit sexy. Oh and short. I did get some ridiculous high heels for it too. I plan to have fun.

But that's not the point of this e-mail. The point is I'm feeling excited. My heart feels fluttery and hopeful. Enough of that though, I don't want to over-analyze something, I just want to leave it alone and smile.


Lately, I've noticed that I've been gaining more self-confidence. I'm self-aware too. I know I'm extremely flawed (i.e. quirky, weird, and annoying.) but I'm also funny, charming, cute and ready to go with the flow. I'm not a hopeless head case of a girl that no guy in his right mind would want. I'm just an average girl.

That doesn't sound like I think much of myself does it? I do, it's being self-aware but being content and happy where you are.

I hope you feel the same way or are on your way to getting there.

Peace...

ARGH....

So I had a big fight with my friend today. It was all good when we were the same level, but now I'm his boss and it's hard and weird.

How do I reconcile the fact that I'm a boss and have responsibilities to the company I work for and the responsibilities I have to my friend?

I care about him very much and it was hard to be so responsible to my job. He attacked me and who I 'became'.  I want to say I'm sorry, but I can't change what happened.

Will I always be judged like this? It's almost better if I did leave, at least I wouldn't be scared of retributive actions against me. I wouldn't be scared of ruining a friendship.

How do I deal with this?