So I can’t understand why I’ve been feeling so emotional lately. If you don’t know me, you’ll know I learned to keep my emotions in check after the boy I first loved kept accusing me of being emotional. It wasn’t a great therapy, just denying my feelings, but it worked. Until the emotions I felt filled me up to the brim and spilled over.
Now, I’ve been on meds for a while trying to deal with the non-emotionalist shell I built around myself. And it’s cracking again, but not because of anything I have done to break the shell but because I’m filled up with emotions again.
It’s been stressful lately. What with the dating, the Capoeira, the stressful job and so many transitions. How does anyone deal with this? And I want to get married? Am I nuts?
I’m figuring it out. Maybe I just need more sleep.
Anyhoo, Capoeira is great! My instructor took to heart what I sent in the e-mail and has bounced back and then some. He’s being nice and consistent again, but now that my eyes have been opened, they won’t be closed again.
Things aren’t all bad. I had a date last Friday and it was so much fun. He’s a sweet, fun person, and such a gentleman. I valued that very much and I felt great at the end of the night. But I’m not used to dating so I may not have been so very comfortable, but I guess I’ll get better.
I think this weekend I’ll take for me and just go out and spend it at the beach. I want to go.
We’ll see…Peace!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Nothing to fear but that foot in your face...
Okay, so that's not how the quote goes, but it certainly is how I feel. I recently signed up for a Capoeira class. The first class was wicked hard, but this last one? Well, a lot of dynamics popped up. Mine included.
The teacher is a salesman all the way. More like a car salesman. Charms you, then once you buy in, well you're just another chump who believed him. He's not that bad but he's not that great either. Hmm...I hope he never reads this, I don't want to get beat. But the other guys and girls in the classroom are so sweet, patient, friendly and awesome. Some of them have so much strength, yet make excellent teachers! Like Gil! He's truly passionate about Capoeira, but has the patience to spar with me and not make me look so dumb. (I do that well enough on my own.) I like to call him Goku, from the DragonBallZ Series. He actually looks like Goku, too in a way.
My friend Ethni is in the class and she is in her aggressive element. It's hard to get her out of the circle, whereas I'm eager to do so. I'm not aggressive. I react and respond, I do not provoke. That's been my tendency for my entire life, so now I have to go against my very nature of being invisible to visible and confrontational. I'm a Cancerian! We attack sideways not forwards!
I'm not very confident as you can probably tell. But I will practice and keep going. I'm not about to quit something that breaks up my week and gives me something to look forward to, something that makes me change.
On another note - I'm discouraged with online dating. It's not working out for me. Perhaps the formula that all sites forget to mention is, the # of sizes you are more than a size 0 in dress size, is the number of months it will take for some guy to notice you. And I have to say, I don't have that kind of time. :-(
I can pretend to be strong and confident, but I'm not. I feel like I'm being peeled away and new layers of myself are being exposed, and I don't like it. But it's new and it's daring and it's not me. I'm stepping out my comfort zone and facing different things. I will succeed.
God, help me too succeed. (I can't do it alone.)
The teacher is a salesman all the way. More like a car salesman. Charms you, then once you buy in, well you're just another chump who believed him. He's not that bad but he's not that great either. Hmm...I hope he never reads this, I don't want to get beat. But the other guys and girls in the classroom are so sweet, patient, friendly and awesome. Some of them have so much strength, yet make excellent teachers! Like Gil! He's truly passionate about Capoeira, but has the patience to spar with me and not make me look so dumb. (I do that well enough on my own.) I like to call him Goku, from the DragonBallZ Series. He actually looks like Goku, too in a way.
My friend Ethni is in the class and she is in her aggressive element. It's hard to get her out of the circle, whereas I'm eager to do so. I'm not aggressive. I react and respond, I do not provoke. That's been my tendency for my entire life, so now I have to go against my very nature of being invisible to visible and confrontational. I'm a Cancerian! We attack sideways not forwards!
I'm not very confident as you can probably tell. But I will practice and keep going. I'm not about to quit something that breaks up my week and gives me something to look forward to, something that makes me change.
On another note - I'm discouraged with online dating. It's not working out for me. Perhaps the formula that all sites forget to mention is, the # of sizes you are more than a size 0 in dress size, is the number of months it will take for some guy to notice you. And I have to say, I don't have that kind of time. :-(
I can pretend to be strong and confident, but I'm not. I feel like I'm being peeled away and new layers of myself are being exposed, and I don't like it. But it's new and it's daring and it's not me. I'm stepping out my comfort zone and facing different things. I will succeed.
God, help me too succeed. (I can't do it alone.)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Online Dating Rant
Mission –
1 Average looking, smarter than average, bigger than average girl looking for 1 man – doesn’t matter what he looks like as long as he’s attractive (to me), has good hygiene, is smart and very funny.
What does Average Girl do? This average girl signed up for 2 dating websites and has found that the men who say they want “someone to talk to, a nice girl, not full of herself” are looking for Mother Teresa’s spirit in the body of Pamela Anderson. Here’s the problem: Mother Teresa is dead (God rest her soul) and Pamela Anderson might as well be. Harsh, I know. But that woman is a ball of drama, including several failed marriages, an STD and a floundering body as well as career. I’m not here to hate on Pamela Anderson though, because as hard as she has it, the fact that she can still go out there and try – well she deserves some credit.
I know I’m generalizing when I say this (as my friend Steve would be so happy to point out – but then again he’s not this guy I’m talking about) and it’s not like I’m searching for Brad Pitt sans the tribe. I’m looking for a good Christian man, with good character, a good sense of humor and good hygiene. I’ve gone to churches and met guys. Honestly, it’s almost a negative thing to be a Christian man to me now, because I’ve been burned by so many so-called Christian men. But I digress.
Here’s my rant. Why don’t guys respond to me when I try to contact them? What about me is so unattractive that not only will you(to guys) not reply; You don’t even show me the courtesy or respect to reply and tell me you’re uninterested?
Ok, major burn here guys – you’re not that amazing that I’m sitting and waiting for you.
But a true test of character is how you carry yourselves away from prying eyes, even on the Internet. And most of you guys are failing. I’ve had 2 guys out of the 15 that I’ve winked at tell me they’re not interested. I’m glad. Because I know! What about the others? Nothing.
What does all of this tell me? That some guys lie on their profiles (yeah big news development right?) and that not only do they lie, but their so-called pursuit for a meaningful relationship is complete bullshit. And I’m calling you on it.
To all you guys out there who do reply even to say they’re not interested, who truly seek a good, meaningful woman and relationship, believe me, there are girls out there just like the guys above. Keep searching, I have amazing friends who are amazing Women looking for a Man. You’re our hope. Let us be yours.
Peace!
1 Average looking, smarter than average, bigger than average girl looking for 1 man – doesn’t matter what he looks like as long as he’s attractive (to me), has good hygiene, is smart and very funny.
What does Average Girl do? This average girl signed up for 2 dating websites and has found that the men who say they want “someone to talk to, a nice girl, not full of herself” are looking for Mother Teresa’s spirit in the body of Pamela Anderson. Here’s the problem: Mother Teresa is dead (God rest her soul) and Pamela Anderson might as well be. Harsh, I know. But that woman is a ball of drama, including several failed marriages, an STD and a floundering body as well as career. I’m not here to hate on Pamela Anderson though, because as hard as she has it, the fact that she can still go out there and try – well she deserves some credit.
I know I’m generalizing when I say this (as my friend Steve would be so happy to point out – but then again he’s not this guy I’m talking about) and it’s not like I’m searching for Brad Pitt sans the tribe. I’m looking for a good Christian man, with good character, a good sense of humor and good hygiene. I’ve gone to churches and met guys. Honestly, it’s almost a negative thing to be a Christian man to me now, because I’ve been burned by so many so-called Christian men. But I digress.
Here’s my rant. Why don’t guys respond to me when I try to contact them? What about me is so unattractive that not only will you(to guys) not reply; You don’t even show me the courtesy or respect to reply and tell me you’re uninterested?
Ok, major burn here guys – you’re not that amazing that I’m sitting and waiting for you.
But a true test of character is how you carry yourselves away from prying eyes, even on the Internet. And most of you guys are failing. I’ve had 2 guys out of the 15 that I’ve winked at tell me they’re not interested. I’m glad. Because I know! What about the others? Nothing.
What does all of this tell me? That some guys lie on their profiles (yeah big news development right?) and that not only do they lie, but their so-called pursuit for a meaningful relationship is complete bullshit. And I’m calling you on it.
To all you guys out there who do reply even to say they’re not interested, who truly seek a good, meaningful woman and relationship, believe me, there are girls out there just like the guys above. Keep searching, I have amazing friends who are amazing Women looking for a Man. You’re our hope. Let us be yours.
Peace!
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