It's done...

So I told him how I felt.
That's what I hadn't mentioned before, mostly because he started reading this blog not too long ago.
Well he read A blog, don't know if he's reading all of them.

Anyhoo, I basically told one of my friends that I liked him. His response was kind, but it was a rejection. No surprise there right?

I'm okay, a bit sad and a little disappointed, but that's primarily why I did it over a weekend. So I could recover.

The best part about it was that I had my friends supporting me the entire way. They didn't agree with what I did, or that I was even doing it for the right person for me, but they supported me. That was so sweet.

So the night's over, that's over, and I'm ready to go to sleep.

Goodnight...

New Nickname...

So I finally got a new nickname in my Capoeira class! It's Certinho!
Which according to Google Translate means "right things".

My instructor emphasized that it was describing my anal nature (since I'm an accountant).
I couldn't disagree with him. Plus it's better than say "tall girl who sucks"! Hahaha

 And I got my butt kicked. Oh well, learning how to fight is the reason I'm in this class.

So last night I stayed up way late last night because I was furious about my current job situation. I ended up applying to 4 different jobs. 2 at my same company though. I love where I work and I love doing what I do, but what I get paid isn't enough to meet my goal of moving out of where I'm staying now. So I have to move on. I want to move out of here in 6 months. Can I do it? I don't know.

I suppose I should have more faith.

Next weekend I'm in New Orleans! Whoo-Hoo! I love it! I'm so excited. I am going to party SO MUCH!
Because, heck, why not?

There's so much to do and get done, I feel old and yet young.

LOL oh and while I'm on the topic of youth, the girl I was training in class today was shocked when I told her I was 28. She said i looked more like 16. Really? Cool! :D

Oh and while I was fighting - I saw my green cord whip soar through the air and got distracted. hahahaha.
I'm getting better tho! Yay!
I love Capoeira! I'm so glad I'm here!
Besos!!!

Hollow Feelings...

I gave blood today. It drained me in so many ways.
I've been struggling lately with a personal realization.  It's hard - I can't believe I missed something so obvious. I'm looking everywhere for signs for or against what I'm feeling and nothing happens.
I'm in deeper than I know.
The worst part is I'm so insecure now.
The best part is that I feel alive again.

Monsters

No, this isn't about Lady Gaga.
I was talking to one of my friends and he brought up the idea of attacking zombies with a space raptor. Then I said, what if the zombies take one of them down! Then we'll have zombie space raptors! Not cool.
(There's a point to this.)
Then I was like...you know? No wonder God didn't create any "monsters", human beings are monstrous enough. I mean, I just finished reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy and it was devastating in it's simplicity and realism. I can see society becoming one where many lose their humanity and succumb to the greed of pursuing their miserable existence by harvesting the bodies of other people for food.

Or take World War Z, where governments, trying to hide the reality of something or are denying that dead infected people are being reanimated, explain it as political unrest at best, a mild disturbance at worst.

What is so frightening is how closely these stories resemble the reality of humanity's reaction to adversity. I know our history is full of some rising up and being strong and courageous in the face of adversity, but our history is also full of stories where people have destroyed one another for the sake of some belief that was flawed.

Flawed beliefs are held by all, how do we surpass these?

And when it comes down to it, will you stand and be strong? or will you succumb to the selfishness of life and consume others - metaphorically or literally?

There are things that go bump in the night - I fear them more than the phantoms in my mind or on my television screen.

Words aren't enough....

So, I had a nice date on Friday. But the guy...well there was too much drama and baggage. I've always said I didn't want to "fix" a guy. This guy, needed fixing in lots of ways.

That's not why I'm here though.

Are you happy with your life? Just as it is? Or are you waiting for something more to come by?
My recommendation? Live your life! It's amazing just as it is. Don't wait - Life is meant to be enjoyed not to be wasted. I'm not an expert but wouldn't it be better to look back and see memories that make you smile?
Look, we've all had sucky lives, myself definitely included, but that is in the past. Get your therapy, talk it out with friends, take medications but move on! Let it go! It's a part of you, it's not who you are.

It's like a stone thrown into a pond. The ripples will always be there, but the stone has already sunk to the bottom, the water will still, the pond remains.

haha, I know that's a bit cliche, but hang in there. Hope always remains.

peace...

It's been a week....

..since I last saw Dharma.
If you don't know who she was, you were unlucky. She was the cutest little dog. Had the sweetest eyes, and a star on her chest, a fan tail.

I'm talking in the past tense because she's never been gone this long, and she wasn't terribly strong enough to win a fight. I think she's dead. I typed it out.
I'm very sad - more than sad, I'm in mourning.
Everytime I drive home from work, I look out for her running from her meanderings in the neighborhood, and as I drive in it hits me that she's not running anywhere anymore.
Then I get out and I don't see her happy little face looking up at me wanting to be petted.
And it's all I can do to keep from crying. She was an amazing dog.

Here's a few stories about her. The first night I brought her home, I was so worried, I got up several times during the night to check on her. Finally, I just brought her into my bedroom.
As I lay down to sleep at rest, I heard a chewing sound. I hadn't bought her any chew toys yet. When I turned on the light she had chewed through the strap of one of my brand new espadrilles. That was the first but not the last pair of shoes I lost to her chewing. She cost me so much money, but never did I think of getting rid of her.

Another one...One day, my roommate came home with some fast food for dinner. We didn't have a dining room table - so we used an old box on the floor (ghetto - I know). Dharma had just moved in, so she goes over to one of our windows and begins to bark. Serina gets up to investigate, and while Serina is at the window looking for what Dharma was barking at, Dharma had snuck back to eat Serina's food. When Serina returned, she had nothing left.

I loved that dog. I miss her.

Dark Green...

Lots has happened since last time...
1) I'm weaning off my medication so I can be free from any kind of medicinal influence.
2) I've gotten my first cord in Capoeira. (It's like a belt)
3) I'm in love with Capoeira! YAY!
4) I'm happy as I am.
5) I know where I want to go and where I want to be.
6) I have a good life and am looking forward to living it.
7) Going back to NOLA for my ex-roommate's wedding. YAY!
8) Started writing my book again. :)

That's it.'

Don't give up peeps! Life is awesome