So, Halloween is around the corner. And I'm very excited. My Halloween costume is very cute and just a little bit sexy. Oh and short. I did get some ridiculous high heels for it too. I plan to have fun.
But that's not the point of this e-mail. The point is I'm feeling excited. My heart feels fluttery and hopeful. Enough of that though, I don't want to over-analyze something, I just want to leave it alone and smile.
Lately, I've noticed that I've been gaining more self-confidence. I'm self-aware too. I know I'm extremely flawed (i.e. quirky, weird, and annoying.) but I'm also funny, charming, cute and ready to go with the flow. I'm not a hopeless head case of a girl that no guy in his right mind would want. I'm just an average girl.
That doesn't sound like I think much of myself does it? I do, it's being self-aware but being content and happy where you are.
I hope you feel the same way or are on your way to getting there.
Peace...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
ARGH....
So I had a big fight with my friend today. It was all good when we were the same level, but now I'm his boss and it's hard and weird.
How do I reconcile the fact that I'm a boss and have responsibilities to the company I work for and the responsibilities I have to my friend?
I care about him very much and it was hard to be so responsible to my job. He attacked me and who I 'became'. I want to say I'm sorry, but I can't change what happened.
Will I always be judged like this? It's almost better if I did leave, at least I wouldn't be scared of retributive actions against me. I wouldn't be scared of ruining a friendship.
How do I deal with this?
How do I reconcile the fact that I'm a boss and have responsibilities to the company I work for and the responsibilities I have to my friend?
I care about him very much and it was hard to be so responsible to my job. He attacked me and who I 'became'. I want to say I'm sorry, but I can't change what happened.
Will I always be judged like this? It's almost better if I did leave, at least I wouldn't be scared of retributive actions against me. I wouldn't be scared of ruining a friendship.
How do I deal with this?
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Saturday Nights...
They are something else? Have you realized that?
OK, so what am I doing up at 3:30 AM? Well, let me start my tale.
I woke up late, having skipped Capoeira because I was catching up on sleep. (I'm back on the wagon next week - my muscles are getting soft!)
After being still for a while, i.e. being lazy, I got ready and headed out to my parents house so I could take my mom to run some errands. After that - we went for lunch at Red Lobster. It was great.
So, I get back to my house and make plans with Ethni to go visit a favorite Karaoke dive bar. I did some laundry and such. So I start to get ready and what do I find as I'm leaving my room? My cat walks in with a mouse in her mouth. Without my glasses I didn't recognize immediately but as it began to squirm I saw what it was and began to scream at my cat to get out, drop the mouse and repeat. I wasn't terribly imaginative in my freaked out state.
I called my mom and told her to send my brothers to deal with. I used the house phone to call since my cell phone was on the other side of the cat. I screamed at her what had happened and what I needed and I finished getting ready. (Best to not think about it.)
My brothers came over and told me that Paige had done that a lot. Also, where were their souvenirs from New Orleans. They left and so did I.
I got to the bar with my friend and we sat down trying to figure out what to sing. I had nothing, she had a few staples.
We ended up picking good songs:
Ethni picked Last Dance by Donna Summer, It's My Life by Bon Jovi and ended with Dream On by Aerosmith.
I picked Black Velvet by Alannah Myles, I want you to want me by Trick Pony and ended with Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' by Journey.
We were good. But the other people their were FUN!The DJ was awesome and rocked the mike. Literally. Others showed off their incredible talent, or incredible sense of fun. Honestly, the sense of fun was so much better. I am hoarse now - not because of the singing but because of cheering and screaming and singing along with the other singers.A guy sang Bye, Bye, Bye by NSync and he also sang Big Butts. Some girls sang My humps. There was a lot of dancing, laughing, jeering and cheering. It was great.
Afterward, we went to Jim's restaurant for food. Now I'm letting my food sit for a bit before crashing.
I'll be tired tomorrow, but you know, I haven't had an awesome night like this in a long long long time.
I am so glad for it. (Once in a while is great, all of the time? Not so much!)
Good Night/Morning!
OK, so what am I doing up at 3:30 AM? Well, let me start my tale.
I woke up late, having skipped Capoeira because I was catching up on sleep. (I'm back on the wagon next week - my muscles are getting soft!)
After being still for a while, i.e. being lazy, I got ready and headed out to my parents house so I could take my mom to run some errands. After that - we went for lunch at Red Lobster. It was great.
So, I get back to my house and make plans with Ethni to go visit a favorite Karaoke dive bar. I did some laundry and such. So I start to get ready and what do I find as I'm leaving my room? My cat walks in with a mouse in her mouth. Without my glasses I didn't recognize immediately but as it began to squirm I saw what it was and began to scream at my cat to get out, drop the mouse and repeat. I wasn't terribly imaginative in my freaked out state.
I called my mom and told her to send my brothers to deal with. I used the house phone to call since my cell phone was on the other side of the cat. I screamed at her what had happened and what I needed and I finished getting ready. (Best to not think about it.)
My brothers came over and told me that Paige had done that a lot. Also, where were their souvenirs from New Orleans. They left and so did I.
I got to the bar with my friend and we sat down trying to figure out what to sing. I had nothing, she had a few staples.
We ended up picking good songs:
Ethni picked Last Dance by Donna Summer, It's My Life by Bon Jovi and ended with Dream On by Aerosmith.
I picked Black Velvet by Alannah Myles, I want you to want me by Trick Pony and ended with Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' by Journey.
We were good. But the other people their were FUN!The DJ was awesome and rocked the mike. Literally. Others showed off their incredible talent, or incredible sense of fun. Honestly, the sense of fun was so much better. I am hoarse now - not because of the singing but because of cheering and screaming and singing along with the other singers.A guy sang Bye, Bye, Bye by NSync and he also sang Big Butts. Some girls sang My humps. There was a lot of dancing, laughing, jeering and cheering. It was great.
Afterward, we went to Jim's restaurant for food. Now I'm letting my food sit for a bit before crashing.
I'll be tired tomorrow, but you know, I haven't had an awesome night like this in a long long long time.
I am so glad for it. (Once in a while is great, all of the time? Not so much!)
Good Night/Morning!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
The Big Easy...
So I'm here in New Orleans. Finally, at long last.
The first few days I was there by myself. It was strange. I liked the freedom, but I felt lonely. I reverted to my anti-social tendencies and would hide out in my room to going out and meeting people. It's hard for me to do that.
I did notice that New Orleans has a pulsing life that doesn't ever really stop. Especially in the French Quarter.
You feel and are felt by the city. It breathes and lives and moves and grows and you are just allowed to step through. This sentient being has been alive much longer than I am and it's both fearsome and nurturing, just like nature.
It smells, the people are dramatic and beautiful, and I felt like a pale shadow passing through all of the color.
When I finally got to walk Bourbon Street, I had to avert my eyes several times. Yes, I am still an old-fashioned girl.
It was great - a street full of vice and entertainment. And while I did want to go in and enjoy some revelers singing karaoke, I found myself tired.
The food is amazing and stretches the limits of my taste buds. I highly recommend Couchon Butcher, Coop's and The Chartres House Cafe. As for drinks - I have yet to try the Hurricane, but I did try the hand grenade and it was very delicious.
I'm waiting to get ready for the wedding and it's a tough business. I want to stay and enjoy the city some more, but I have to go. I did come for that did I not?
This isn't flowing very well is it? It's okay.
I love being alive and being out here on my own. I don't know if I could make it going out and meeting people, but I sure could try.
I think I would succeed. I can be charming.
Oh, lately I've been feeling so unattractive. It has nothing to do with being rejected by my friend last week. Or maybe it does. No, it's me. I'm weaning off some of my medication so I have to learn to stabilize myself.
So far it's been good. I think I've been able to reign in a lot of my uncontrollable negative emotions, although it may be manifesting itself as aggression. Not that I'm an aggressive person,but I can tell that my aggressive thoughts are increasing.
There is a hole in my heart right now. I really miss my dog. She just always loved me and I could feel her love, and now she's gone missing and I think she's dead. I miss her companionship and her love and her adorable sweet eyes. The other dogs miss her too. I can tell, they're sad. And when they see me they are always happy to see me too. They almost seem like Dharma. Wagging tails, trusting eyes. But they won't ever let me touch them.
I have Paige too but her eyes aren't sweet and loving. Here I am tearing up - I'm in one of the best cities in the world and I'm mourning my dog.
I'm a simple girl you know? I used to be such a sweet person too, but then..I learned that the world doesn't tolerate sweet people. So now, I have to be complex to guard myself.
This is far more than being an entry about a city. It's about me, but then aren't all blogs about me anyways?
I digress....
This video expresses how I feel right now - Jar of Hearts
The first few days I was there by myself. It was strange. I liked the freedom, but I felt lonely. I reverted to my anti-social tendencies and would hide out in my room to going out and meeting people. It's hard for me to do that.
I did notice that New Orleans has a pulsing life that doesn't ever really stop. Especially in the French Quarter.
You feel and are felt by the city. It breathes and lives and moves and grows and you are just allowed to step through. This sentient being has been alive much longer than I am and it's both fearsome and nurturing, just like nature.
It smells, the people are dramatic and beautiful, and I felt like a pale shadow passing through all of the color.
When I finally got to walk Bourbon Street, I had to avert my eyes several times. Yes, I am still an old-fashioned girl.
It was great - a street full of vice and entertainment. And while I did want to go in and enjoy some revelers singing karaoke, I found myself tired.
The food is amazing and stretches the limits of my taste buds. I highly recommend Couchon Butcher, Coop's and The Chartres House Cafe. As for drinks - I have yet to try the Hurricane, but I did try the hand grenade and it was very delicious.
I'm waiting to get ready for the wedding and it's a tough business. I want to stay and enjoy the city some more, but I have to go. I did come for that did I not?
This isn't flowing very well is it? It's okay.
I love being alive and being out here on my own. I don't know if I could make it going out and meeting people, but I sure could try.
I think I would succeed. I can be charming.
Oh, lately I've been feeling so unattractive. It has nothing to do with being rejected by my friend last week. Or maybe it does. No, it's me. I'm weaning off some of my medication so I have to learn to stabilize myself.
So far it's been good. I think I've been able to reign in a lot of my uncontrollable negative emotions, although it may be manifesting itself as aggression. Not that I'm an aggressive person,but I can tell that my aggressive thoughts are increasing.
There is a hole in my heart right now. I really miss my dog. She just always loved me and I could feel her love, and now she's gone missing and I think she's dead. I miss her companionship and her love and her adorable sweet eyes. The other dogs miss her too. I can tell, they're sad. And when they see me they are always happy to see me too. They almost seem like Dharma. Wagging tails, trusting eyes. But they won't ever let me touch them.
I have Paige too but her eyes aren't sweet and loving. Here I am tearing up - I'm in one of the best cities in the world and I'm mourning my dog.
I'm a simple girl you know? I used to be such a sweet person too, but then..I learned that the world doesn't tolerate sweet people. So now, I have to be complex to guard myself.
This is far more than being an entry about a city. It's about me, but then aren't all blogs about me anyways?
I digress....
This video expresses how I feel right now - Jar of Hearts
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