Fuzzy...

I've been walking in a weird depressive funk lately.   My friend left and it's like I lost an arm or something far more valuable.
I've been painting in order to exorcise the feelings I've been having.  So far so good - distance has done a lot to alleviate the symptoms, as has time.  I am making it a point to distance myself, but sometimes I can't help it.

So this post isn't about that at all though, I'm just laying the framework down.

This is about truth. The truth is, I feel more like my old self every day.  The girl who was unbound and free.  Now I'm facing my current situation and wondering what I want to do.  I love to paint, and write and bake.  I want to learn some more - I would love to travel the world and explore the world.  As I grow older, I realize just how short-sighted and shallow my knowledge of the world is.  I want to see more of it.

I'm bound by my current constraints, my job, my life, my decisions, others' expectations. I want to break free.

Do you ever feel like you've been waiting your entire life for something to happen? And it just hasn't happened? I'm there - and I've realized, I have to make it happen.  Can I make it happen?  Am I willing to take the risk...?

You know I think I can - the most joy and pride in myself that I've ever felt in my life is when I have brought forth how I felt, when I presented it, laid it out on the table.  It was a great risk and generally met with rejection or loss; still, I don't give up.  Like hope, I tried to give it up, as well as faith, and I couldn't.  To reject faith and hope was to reject a core part of who I am.

I've been hurting, but it feels like the hurting has been healing me and preparing me for my next jumping point.  And so I paint, and I draw and I write here.

Oh, and I love True Blood.  Its the little things, like HBO that make everything great!

updates....

this is my outlet. The thoughts raging in my head that drown me in despair or make me emotionally eat, I just need to get these out.

First my job. I've had 4 bosses since the beginning of the year. After the first one left I had to take on responsibilities and grow as a manager. But I was drowning. My team, the functions we were responsible for - it wasn't enough. We weren't enough people, the work wasn't sound. I couldn't pull it together, especially now that my team had grown by 1 and this person was sub-par in comparison to S and myself. Harsh judgment but true. The team had to now carry some dead-weight too.

Then the house I'm living in. No hot water for a month and this was during the winter. I had to shower in cold water or at my friends' houses. I started off at their houses but after a while, I was embarrassed. Why couldn't I be somewhere with hot water. The floors would break, there were vermin issues. I was getting depressed.

That sounds like I recovered doesn't it? I feel depressed.

My insecurities have popped up too. I've always had them, but now I felt even worse. I see insult in every benign statement.

I had just left my anti-depressants, and been doing so well. Now it seems that the anxiety I suffered, and the insecurities have come back.

Am I stronger than this?

 I sure hope so.

All of this just confuses me and makes me edgy, tired and annoyed. With myself.

So then, there's the whole I feel lonely and need a man thing. Not so easy when u spend your days working or not going out because you feel fat and ugly. Which is how I feel.

I mean I am fat, so that would be why that's happening.

You know? I can do better than this, better than insecurities and fear. I am stronger than this. I hope.

I need to get out of where I am - there has to be better.

You tell me - is there better?

So tired...

So, today I left work with my friend and co-worker mad at me. We had started to bicker over the fact that I won't indiscriminately approve his PTO, and how he could retaliate against me. And I just shut up.
I didn't want to fight anymore and I didn't want to throw something out there that would hurt our friendship.
I'm tired of him trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants. I feel like I can't even make my own decisions without him second guessing them for me.
I'm tired.
And then afterwards, I just felt so heartrendingly lonely. That feeling of, no one will ever want me as I am and I have no desire to change. Actually, I change all the time, but it feels so sad to be alone.
It's not that bad you know. I'm not dying or in serious pain or anything. Mini-pity party!

That's it for now~

Nothing in particular...

You know how sometimes you have an amazing realization about yourself. You realize you are talented beyond imagination, or that you possess a skill that leads to your passions being fulfilled. I had the anti-realization.
I'm average.
I picture it as this - In the movie of Life, there are stars, supporting characters, villains, heroes and everything in between. I'm passerby#3. I don't even have a name, nor a speaking part.
I'm so unexceptional that if we were to walk by each other, I wouldn't be a shadow.

No, I'm not trying to put myself down. (Well - I do self-deprecate though.)

My point is, I feel so uninspiring. I have no particular talent, nothing that is wholly me.
I have my idiosyncracies of course, but anything to make me special? I don't think so.

I observe others all the time, and I lean back and see other people's special qualities. I do not see any in myself.
I just feel so .... unreleased.

On a side note, I've gotten braces.

And here's my funny story:
When it was just my younger brother and I, we'd always drink water from the water jug my mom kept cool in the fridge. Everytime I went to take a drink, I'd always have to go to the bathroom. So, as I was drinking, I would awkwardly stand and draw my knees together. It never failed.

So, one night my brother did the same thing. I asked him why and he said because I always did.