Lost in Translation...

So I can’t understand why I’ve been feeling so emotional lately. If you don’t know me, you’ll know I learned to keep my emotions in check after the boy I first loved kept accusing me of being emotional. It wasn’t a great therapy, just denying my feelings, but it worked. Until the emotions I felt filled me up to the brim and spilled over.

Now, I’ve been on meds for a while trying to deal with the non-emotionalist shell I built around myself. And it’s cracking again, but not because of anything I have done to break the shell but because I’m filled up with emotions again.

It’s been stressful lately. What with the dating, the Capoeira, the stressful job and so many transitions. How does anyone deal with this? And I want to get married? Am I nuts?

I’m figuring it out. Maybe I just need more sleep.

Anyhoo, Capoeira is great! My instructor took to heart what I sent in the e-mail and has bounced back and then some. He’s being nice and consistent again, but now that my eyes have been opened, they won’t be closed again.

Things aren’t all bad. I had a date last Friday and it was so much fun. He’s a sweet, fun person, and such a gentleman. I valued that very much and I felt great at the end of the night. But I’m not used to dating so I may not have been so very comfortable, but I guess I’ll get better.

I think this weekend I’ll take for me and just go out and spend it at the beach. I want to go.

We’ll see…Peace!

Nothing to fear but that foot in your face...

Okay, so that's not how the quote goes, but it certainly is how I feel. I recently signed up for a Capoeira class. The first class was wicked hard, but this last one? Well, a lot of dynamics popped up. Mine included.

The teacher is a salesman all the way. More like a car salesman. Charms you, then once you buy in, well you're just another chump who believed him. He's not that bad but he's not that great either. Hmm...I hope he never reads this, I don't want to get beat. But the other guys and girls in the classroom are so sweet, patient, friendly and awesome. Some of them have so much strength, yet make excellent teachers! Like Gil! He's truly passionate about Capoeira, but has the patience to spar with me and not make me look so dumb. (I do that well enough on my own.) I like to call him Goku, from the DragonBallZ Series. He actually looks like Goku, too in a way.

My friend Ethni is in the class and she is in her aggressive element. It's hard to get her out of the circle, whereas I'm eager to do so. I'm not aggressive. I react and respond, I do not provoke. That's been my tendency for my entire life, so now I have to go against my very nature of being invisible to visible and confrontational. I'm a Cancerian! We attack sideways not forwards!

I'm not very confident as you can probably tell. But I will practice and keep going. I'm not about to quit something that breaks up my week and gives me something to look forward to, something that makes me change.

On another note - I'm discouraged with online dating. It's not working out for me. Perhaps the formula that all sites forget to mention is, the # of sizes you are more than a size 0 in dress size, is the number of months it will take for some guy to notice you. And I have to say, I don't have that kind of time. :-(

I can pretend to be strong and confident, but I'm not. I feel like I'm being peeled away and new layers of myself are being exposed, and I don't like it. But it's new and it's daring and it's not me. I'm stepping out my comfort zone and facing different things. I will succeed.

God, help me too succeed. (I can't do it alone.)

Online Dating Rant

Mission –
1 Average looking, smarter than average, bigger than average girl looking for 1 man – doesn’t matter what he looks like as long as he’s attractive (to me), has good hygiene, is smart and very funny.

What does Average Girl do? This average girl signed up for 2 dating websites and has found that the men who say they want “someone to talk to, a nice girl, not full of herself” are looking for Mother Teresa’s spirit in the body of Pamela Anderson. Here’s the problem: Mother Teresa is dead (God rest her soul) and Pamela Anderson might as well be. Harsh, I know. But that woman is a ball of drama, including several failed marriages, an STD and a floundering body as well as career. I’m not here to hate on Pamela Anderson though, because as hard as she has it, the fact that she can still go out there and try – well she deserves some credit.

I know I’m generalizing when I say this (as my friend Steve would be so happy to point out – but then again he’s not this guy I’m talking about) and it’s not like I’m searching for Brad Pitt sans the tribe. I’m looking for a good Christian man, with good character, a good sense of humor and good hygiene. I’ve gone to churches and met guys. Honestly, it’s almost a negative thing to be a Christian man to me now, because I’ve been burned by so many so-called Christian men. But I digress.

Here’s my rant. Why don’t guys respond to me when I try to contact them? What about me is so unattractive that not only will you(to guys) not reply; You don’t even show me the courtesy or respect to reply and tell me you’re uninterested?

Ok, major burn here guys – you’re not that amazing that I’m sitting and waiting for you.

But a true test of character is how you carry yourselves away from prying eyes, even on the Internet. And most of you guys are failing. I’ve had 2 guys out of the 15 that I’ve winked at tell me they’re not interested. I’m glad. Because I know! What about the others? Nothing.

What does all of this tell me? That some guys lie on their profiles (yeah big news development right?) and that not only do they lie, but their so-called pursuit for a meaningful relationship is complete bullshit. And I’m calling you on it.

To all you guys out there who do reply even to say they’re not interested, who truly seek a good, meaningful woman and relationship, believe me, there are girls out there just like the guys above. Keep searching, I have amazing friends who are amazing Women looking for a Man. You’re our hope. Let us be yours.

Peace!

So...Life is a way? a Path? a road?

It's always the means to an end. But is Life ever the destination?
For you all Christians, yes I am saved and I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.
For all you non-Christians, have you figured out if Life is a destination or not? If so, please share. I'm not excluding Christians here, by all means, anyone and everyone share.

I've read the trite e-mail forwards about embracing life now, but what for? So I choose to quit my job and do what I really want! Is that it? Is living over? Will I die now? What if I change my mind? Life is hardly stable - in fact it is chaos. Something I learned in physics class in high school was that chaos was the natural state of the universe, not order. Order is fragile and can be broken. Chaos, well how can you make chaos worse?

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't believe God put us here to live a messed up life. What I'm putting out here is that we don't fully understand the whole concept of chaos. Just like we don't understand the whole concept of good.

So Life is chaos. My life is somewhat chaotic. I stress and put pressure on myself. I feel horrible and ugly oftentimes. Is that the truth? Or am I allowing outside influences to affect me? What does this have to do with life and chaos?

Everything. My life is what I make of it. And I've apparently chosen to make it one where I am tired, overworked, and surrounded by people I can't bring myself to trust. And yet I strive forward. I'm going to meet new people, and face defeat and while I may falter and fall, I will not stay down.

I'm excited. Life is an adventure, and I want it all.

Leaving being Single behind....

Perhaps I've been slow on the uptake, but I just realized that calling myself a Single Christian was a complete paradox. And not the kind that Jesus, God or the Trinity use. The bad kind that suggests hypocrisy.

Wow, already being a little offensive there aren't I?

Let's break it down, quick and dirty. A single person means what exactly?

Various definitions I looked up quickly (thanks Google) defined a single as someone who was unmarried or in a meaningful relationship. But there's obviously more to it than that, why couldn't we just be called unmarrieds? Why single?

Single implies one. Just the one person right? So how does a Single Christian even exist when the bible clearly states that we are not alone. We cannot walk with God and then walk alone. It's one or the other.

Matthew 28:20b "And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

This is just one of many references contained in the Bible about how not single any of us are.

I'm not here to make a big, impassioned appeal to you about denying your "single" nature. I'm just here to simply state - reject that label. We are not single. We walk with Lord on High, and He walks with us.

Lay down your mantle of single-ness and take up your cross and walk the walk that Jesus has called us to take.

Chicken Pot Pie

It's yummy!

Anyhoo, I cleared up what happened from my last post. I'm better with my friends, but a relationship is still strained. I don't know what to do, honestly. I'm too tired to provide more of myself.

But enough!
I've got a news! I have a new guy pal Steve who's awesome! He's so much fun! Girlies, he's single, so let me know if you're interested.

I've joined a dating website because I can! And so far nothing. But I persevere because, well because! That's what I do.

Work is demanding and for the first time I felt like I didn't want to be there. But I do love my job, and I enjoy the people I work with.

OMG! I joined a Softball Team! That was so much fun! I stunk it up majorly! But I never gave up and I gave it my all. I mean why sign up if you're never going to try? So I did. And I think I'll join again the next time there's a season.

I'm excited. I want to try Tai Chi, Yoga and Tae Kwan Do! Is it possible? I just want to get fit and be happy and energetic. Since I've gained my weight back I need to take it off again and I like being active.

So I'm excited! :-)

That's a change from last time huh?

Seeking Clarity...

So..I'm confused right now. Or I wish I was.

I'm not sure how I feel, though I suspect I'm trying to shield myself from what I'm really feeling.

Here's the scoop. My best friend came in to town this weekend. It was great to see her, but lately I've been so tired. So, we hung out on Friday night and then rented movies. Saturday, I sleep in as always because this week was tough. I got a flu shot, finally recovered from a sinus infection and just in general being over-worked. My best friend wants to go out with another one of our best friends. I decline. They go and we all meet up at a halloween movie fest at another friends' house. We do end up looking awesome I must say and it's most fun being Wonder Woman again.

But at the end of the night, we all head home. She had originally stayed with me, but that night she decided to stay at our friends house. I wasn't terribly surprised, just a little baffled as to why I wasn't told earlier. I'd had to ask before being told. She did ask what my plans were from the next. I always decide that on a day to day basis, and I told her so. And it also depended on when I would sleep.

So I wake up on Sunday, and let her know that I'm up and about. She replies that she has a hair appointment at 2 and would I like to do lunch? I had already decided that I'd do lunch at home, since I'm towards the last few days before my next pay check. Also, getting ready and then driving to meet her would eat up all the time that we'd have to do lunch before her hair appointment. So I decline. Again. Perhaps I should've tried harder. At this point, I'm starting to wonder if I'm truly upset. Or not? I can't tell.

At about 3, my mother called to ask if I wanted to practice softball with my dad. I agreed. I text her again and let her know that she still has clothes and such at my house. I would expect she would want to pick it all up, but it has to be done before I go to practice. She responds asking when would be a good time. I let her know vaguely soon, because I don't know when or where my father will want to practice. In the meantime, I begin to clean and organize. At about 5, I leave to go practice with my father. I leave my cellphone at home to charge. I'm reluctant to text or call my friend because she hasn't called or shown up either. I know it's avoidance and immature, but I'm also trying to figure out what I'm feeling. Whether I'm angry and upset, or truly just don't care.

In the end, she never picked up her things. I finally got home at 9 p.m. She had left a voicemail regarding meeting me at practice. Then another one later about having gotten back to her own apartment. She said she was sorry if my feelings were hurt because we didn't see each other at all on Sunday. My reply via text ( I know I'm so mature...I'm processing!) is simply that I don't know how I feel, but next time she should just stay with our friend.

I barely saw her. She is my best friend. I am upset, but I don't know if it's at her or at myself or what. So I must process and determine what it is that I feel. What I am upset about and how to resolve it. Hmm....