updates....

this is my outlet. The thoughts raging in my head that drown me in despair or make me emotionally eat, I just need to get these out.

First my job. I've had 4 bosses since the beginning of the year. After the first one left I had to take on responsibilities and grow as a manager. But I was drowning. My team, the functions we were responsible for - it wasn't enough. We weren't enough people, the work wasn't sound. I couldn't pull it together, especially now that my team had grown by 1 and this person was sub-par in comparison to S and myself. Harsh judgment but true. The team had to now carry some dead-weight too.

Then the house I'm living in. No hot water for a month and this was during the winter. I had to shower in cold water or at my friends' houses. I started off at their houses but after a while, I was embarrassed. Why couldn't I be somewhere with hot water. The floors would break, there were vermin issues. I was getting depressed.

That sounds like I recovered doesn't it? I feel depressed.

My insecurities have popped up too. I've always had them, but now I felt even worse. I see insult in every benign statement.

I had just left my anti-depressants, and been doing so well. Now it seems that the anxiety I suffered, and the insecurities have come back.

Am I stronger than this?

 I sure hope so.

All of this just confuses me and makes me edgy, tired and annoyed. With myself.

So then, there's the whole I feel lonely and need a man thing. Not so easy when u spend your days working or not going out because you feel fat and ugly. Which is how I feel.

I mean I am fat, so that would be why that's happening.

You know? I can do better than this, better than insecurities and fear. I am stronger than this. I hope.

I need to get out of where I am - there has to be better.

You tell me - is there better?

So tired...

So, today I left work with my friend and co-worker mad at me. We had started to bicker over the fact that I won't indiscriminately approve his PTO, and how he could retaliate against me. And I just shut up.
I didn't want to fight anymore and I didn't want to throw something out there that would hurt our friendship.
I'm tired of him trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants. I feel like I can't even make my own decisions without him second guessing them for me.
I'm tired.
And then afterwards, I just felt so heartrendingly lonely. That feeling of, no one will ever want me as I am and I have no desire to change. Actually, I change all the time, but it feels so sad to be alone.
It's not that bad you know. I'm not dying or in serious pain or anything. Mini-pity party!

That's it for now~

Nothing in particular...

You know how sometimes you have an amazing realization about yourself. You realize you are talented beyond imagination, or that you possess a skill that leads to your passions being fulfilled. I had the anti-realization.
I'm average.
I picture it as this - In the movie of Life, there are stars, supporting characters, villains, heroes and everything in between. I'm passerby#3. I don't even have a name, nor a speaking part.
I'm so unexceptional that if we were to walk by each other, I wouldn't be a shadow.

No, I'm not trying to put myself down. (Well - I do self-deprecate though.)

My point is, I feel so uninspiring. I have no particular talent, nothing that is wholly me.
I have my idiosyncracies of course, but anything to make me special? I don't think so.

I observe others all the time, and I lean back and see other people's special qualities. I do not see any in myself.
I just feel so .... unreleased.

On a side note, I've gotten braces.

And here's my funny story:
When it was just my younger brother and I, we'd always drink water from the water jug my mom kept cool in the fridge. Everytime I went to take a drink, I'd always have to go to the bathroom. So, as I was drinking, I would awkwardly stand and draw my knees together. It never failed.

So, one night my brother did the same thing. I asked him why and he said because I always did.

Self-Awareness...

So, the weekend before Thanksgiving and I had a few self-revelations.

First of all, as I was driving home from buying the pie's for the work Thanksgiving meal, I found that my mom would be telling me stories. I mean these weren't just stories, they were rambling epics that detailed things from the past and the present, and I would get so lost. Then I smiled, because she did this a lot and most of the time I didn't listen (because most of the time when she talked I was trying to watch TV.)

The I remembered the way my friend S. would act when I was chattering at him, and my smile grew wider.  Of course, I had inherited my chatterbox tendencies from my mother.

Then there's the whole broken heart. I finished reading a book that broke my heart because while the story was of life, it wasn't a life free from heartache or pain. I cried for the characters and their losses. I rarely get so emotionally involved (preferring to remain emotionally uninvolved in my reading as in my life.)

But I cried, big tear drops that soaked my sleep shirt. A broken heart that overflowed and threatened to overwhelm me in emotion.

All because of a book. Wow.

So then I started to wonder about my life, where I was going and what I was doing.

I can't say I'm happy with who I am at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my life,  but then the parts when I'm by myself and I observe who I am, recall my reactions and I realize, I could be better.

I'm getting braces soon but that won't fix my personality or character.

I also want to be healthier, but I find myself suffering from so much anxiety at the prospect of going back to Capoeira. Part of it is the people. I find I can barely relate to them sometimes, and when I can't relate I can't tolerate.

It's my personality again - it's all my naturally nervous tendencies. I have started weaning off my anti-dep/anti-anxiety medication. I don't want to get back on those, so I think I'm going to start researching meditation techniques. Oh and following these rules (borrowed from Helen Fielding and Olivia Joules)

Very Useful Rules for Living Stolen from Olivia Joules

1. Never panic. Stop, breathe, think.
2. No one is thinking about you. They're thinking about themselves, just like you.
3. Never change haircut or color before an importan event.
4. Nothing is either as bad or as good as it seems.
5. Do as you would be done by, e.g. thou shalt not kill.
6. It is better to buy one expensive thing that you really like than several cheap ones that you only quite like.
7. Hardly anything matters: If you get upset, ask yourself, "Does it really matter?"
8. The key to success lies in how you pick yourself up from failure.
9. Be honest and kind.
10. Only buy clothes that make you feel like doing a small dance.
11. Trust your instincts, not your overactive imagination.
12. When overwhelmed by disaster, check if it's really a disaster by doing the following: 

      (a) think, "oh, F*&% it," 

      (b) look on the bright side and, if that doesn't work, look on the funny side.
If neither of the above works then maybe it is a disaster so turn to items 1 and 4.
13. Don't expect the world to be safe or life to be fair.
14. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
15. Don't regret anything. Remember that wasn't anything else that could have happened, given who you were and the state of the world at the moment. The only thing you can change is the present, so learn from the past.
16. If you start regretting something and thinking, "I should have done..." always add, "but then I might have been run over by a lorry or blown up by a Japanese-manned torpedo." 

The promise of a future....

So, Halloween is around the corner. And I'm very excited. My Halloween costume is very cute and just a little bit sexy. Oh and short. I did get some ridiculous high heels for it too. I plan to have fun.

But that's not the point of this e-mail. The point is I'm feeling excited. My heart feels fluttery and hopeful. Enough of that though, I don't want to over-analyze something, I just want to leave it alone and smile.


Lately, I've noticed that I've been gaining more self-confidence. I'm self-aware too. I know I'm extremely flawed (i.e. quirky, weird, and annoying.) but I'm also funny, charming, cute and ready to go with the flow. I'm not a hopeless head case of a girl that no guy in his right mind would want. I'm just an average girl.

That doesn't sound like I think much of myself does it? I do, it's being self-aware but being content and happy where you are.

I hope you feel the same way or are on your way to getting there.

Peace...

ARGH....

So I had a big fight with my friend today. It was all good when we were the same level, but now I'm his boss and it's hard and weird.

How do I reconcile the fact that I'm a boss and have responsibilities to the company I work for and the responsibilities I have to my friend?

I care about him very much and it was hard to be so responsible to my job. He attacked me and who I 'became'.  I want to say I'm sorry, but I can't change what happened.

Will I always be judged like this? It's almost better if I did leave, at least I wouldn't be scared of retributive actions against me. I wouldn't be scared of ruining a friendship.

How do I deal with this?

Saturday Nights...

They are something else? Have you realized that?
OK, so what am I doing up at 3:30 AM? Well, let me start my tale.

I woke up late, having skipped Capoeira because I was catching up on sleep. (I'm back on the wagon next week - my muscles are getting soft!)

After being still for a while, i.e. being lazy, I got ready and headed out to my parents house so I could take my mom to run some errands. After that - we went for lunch at Red Lobster. It was great.

So, I get back to my house and make plans with Ethni to go visit a favorite Karaoke dive bar. I did some laundry and such. So I start to get ready and what do I find as I'm leaving my room? My cat walks in with a mouse in her mouth. Without my glasses I didn't recognize immediately but as it began to squirm I saw what it was and began to scream at my cat to get out, drop the mouse and repeat. I wasn't terribly imaginative in my freaked out state.

I called my mom and told her to send my brothers to deal with. I used the house phone to call since my cell phone was on the other side of the cat. I screamed at her what had happened and what I needed and I finished getting ready. (Best to not think about it.)

My brothers came over and told me that Paige had done that a lot. Also, where were their souvenirs from New Orleans. They left and so did I.

I got to the bar with my friend and we sat down trying to figure out what to sing. I had nothing, she had a few staples.

We ended up picking good songs:
Ethni picked Last Dance by Donna Summer, It's My Life by Bon Jovi and ended with Dream On by Aerosmith.

I picked Black Velvet by Alannah Myles, I want you to want me by Trick Pony and ended with Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' by Journey.

We were good. But the other people their were FUN!The DJ was awesome and rocked the mike. Literally. Others showed off their incredible talent, or incredible sense of fun. Honestly, the sense of fun was so much better. I am hoarse now - not because of the singing but because of cheering and screaming and singing along with the other singers.A guy sang Bye, Bye, Bye by NSync and he also sang Big Butts. Some girls sang My humps. There was a lot of dancing, laughing, jeering and cheering. It was great.

Afterward, we went to Jim's restaurant for food. Now I'm letting my food sit for a bit before crashing.
I'll be tired tomorrow, but you know, I haven't had an awesome night like this in a long long long time.

I am so glad for it. (Once in a while is great, all of the time? Not so much!)

Good Night/Morning!