Forgive and forget?

Spent all weekend trying to avoid making 1 phone call. Didn't know what to expect, planned for the worst, but maybe not what actually happened.
The phone call seemed trite, hollow and pointless. Nothing has been resolved.
I'll stop being vague.
As friends, we've been fighting a lot lately. I've been tired and not willing to put up with much and I think it's been the same for him.
Last week, a lot of circumstances came together in such a way that S. thought that I had tried to take some of his credit away from him. I had to rectify the situation and I did, but I was so hurt. How could he believe that I would do something like that? It hurt so much, it felt like something had broken.
So when I say, that I didn't know what to expect on this phone call, it just meant that I didn't know whether we'd hash it out, break all ties, or ...well I had only thought of the two. The third, which S. presented, to just move on? I wasn't a supporter of.
But A. had advised that I stop making my emotions so available to S., and additionally, is it worth it to go over all of this?
I haven't decided yet whether to stay where I am. I also haven't decided yet if it's worth the thought and prayer for a friendship I already know is going to end as soon as S. leaves San Antonio. Is that so harsh?
Season, Reason or life - that's how friendships can be. This one has been far too hurtful to last a lifetime.
This is still so sad tho.
I'll take it one day at a time. God give me the grace to act as you would have me act, and be as you would want me to be. I'm tired of doing this on my own strength and wisdom, I am worn out.
Oh, and I'll be 28 this coming weekend. Anybody got any idea what I should do?

Ennui...

So, lately I've had this difficult time making myself care about the things that I used to have so much patience for at work.
Example - I tend to forget to copy an important department for some output we needed. Yes, I forgot, I admit it. But I find it hard to actually care that the lady responsible for the department is annoyed. I'm sorry, I just don't have it in me to tell you how to do your job, because lately I barely care enough to do mine.
I'm tired of the attitudes, the over-working and the fatigue. Is this worth it?
I just don't care anymore and I have to learn to care. Is something wrong with me that I just see how much harder it has gotten to get past this?
Part of me is worried about this development. It was very sudden - one of my close friends and co-worker's was gone for a week and I had to do his job, and after he came back I was so worn out and tired. I think part of it also is that I had been working on a baby shower and it was more of a chore than doing something for one of my best friends.
It was a great party, but still...the stress leading up to it is something I don't ever want to repeat.

Okay, so I don't feel as chipper as I usually am. Amanda was in town, that was way fun. :)
She's awesome but I totally over ate! I feel gross. Time to go back to eating more controlled amounts of food.

Haha, I'm about to start listening to Eminem too. This isn't going to help my depression.

I need real time off - or real time away from everybody. I need to go somewhere and be free and alone and just scream out loud or something. LOL - it'll be cathartic.
What is cathartic? According to google it is:

• emotionally purging
• purgative: a purging medicine; stimulates evacuation of the bowels
• strongly laxative
  wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Oooh, I don't like the second one or the third one. LOL.

FYI...Joel McHale is a hottie.
And Chelsea Handler is hilarious.

This blog is everywhere. :)

I'm feeling a bit better. Got any advice?

The one party no one wants to be invited to....

Is a pity party.
And here I am, on a Friday night, at home waiting for sleep to overcome me.

Anyone have any idea why I don't seem to get any guy attention on match.com? Seriously, only the old uggos come after me. What does that say about me?
Maybe it's not me? Except, well, I am the common thread. Anyhoo - Party over. I just needed to get that out.

It's been a while for me to write anything. Let's see....Quick Review:
1) I got a "promotion". All the work and responsibilities of a boss without the pay, but I get OT so it balances out.
2) Went to NOLA and LOVED it. That city is beautiful. The homes are just breath-taking, and I was almost speechless. (That's a lot - I'm a major chatterbox.)
3) Working crazy hours but somehow still making it and loving my job. Now if I could only be sure I'd have a job next year it would be perfect.
4) I've been longing for some special man to share my life with. So far no one has really appealed to me, or I've not appealed to anyone. Well, my life is cheaper with 1 person anyways.
5) Finally watched a Dollyrots show! Love them! And the guys are hot!
6) I've been getting a little too drunk a lot more lately. I'm a silly drunk by the way. But I tend to want to run away. The inhibitors I keep up that have always kept me from running away when I'm NOT drunk, are lowered and then I begin to wander. Props to Steve for reigning me in.
7) Capoeira is a blast! I've got muscles almost everywhere, now if I could only get rid of the fat.
8) I'm supposed to be getting decor for the baby shower next weekend and I got nothing. Damn.
9) On the plus side, one of my best friends will be coming by. She's way cool and I'm so happy!
10) I'm coming back to You.

Check ya laterz....

Baking a relationship...

Sometimes all the ingredients are there, but if the oven temperature isn't hot enough, nothing rises.

Relationships are hard. All of them.

I must admit that there are at least 5 relationships I've had that have been broken. The few I recall easily are the ones that stopped talking to me. I'm not the easiest person to get along with, I realize that about myself. But I value courage and honesty and I will honor any attempt made in an effort to better a friendship. But how can I do that when I'm left out of things?

Communication is valuable. And I'm walking into a situation that begs for me to examine myself, and others and open the channels of communication that I have closed or kept closed. How do I do this alone?

Am I alone?

Lost in Translation...

So I can’t understand why I’ve been feeling so emotional lately. If you don’t know me, you’ll know I learned to keep my emotions in check after the boy I first loved kept accusing me of being emotional. It wasn’t a great therapy, just denying my feelings, but it worked. Until the emotions I felt filled me up to the brim and spilled over.

Now, I’ve been on meds for a while trying to deal with the non-emotionalist shell I built around myself. And it’s cracking again, but not because of anything I have done to break the shell but because I’m filled up with emotions again.

It’s been stressful lately. What with the dating, the Capoeira, the stressful job and so many transitions. How does anyone deal with this? And I want to get married? Am I nuts?

I’m figuring it out. Maybe I just need more sleep.

Anyhoo, Capoeira is great! My instructor took to heart what I sent in the e-mail and has bounced back and then some. He’s being nice and consistent again, but now that my eyes have been opened, they won’t be closed again.

Things aren’t all bad. I had a date last Friday and it was so much fun. He’s a sweet, fun person, and such a gentleman. I valued that very much and I felt great at the end of the night. But I’m not used to dating so I may not have been so very comfortable, but I guess I’ll get better.

I think this weekend I’ll take for me and just go out and spend it at the beach. I want to go.

We’ll see…Peace!

Nothing to fear but that foot in your face...

Okay, so that's not how the quote goes, but it certainly is how I feel. I recently signed up for a Capoeira class. The first class was wicked hard, but this last one? Well, a lot of dynamics popped up. Mine included.

The teacher is a salesman all the way. More like a car salesman. Charms you, then once you buy in, well you're just another chump who believed him. He's not that bad but he's not that great either. Hmm...I hope he never reads this, I don't want to get beat. But the other guys and girls in the classroom are so sweet, patient, friendly and awesome. Some of them have so much strength, yet make excellent teachers! Like Gil! He's truly passionate about Capoeira, but has the patience to spar with me and not make me look so dumb. (I do that well enough on my own.) I like to call him Goku, from the DragonBallZ Series. He actually looks like Goku, too in a way.

My friend Ethni is in the class and she is in her aggressive element. It's hard to get her out of the circle, whereas I'm eager to do so. I'm not aggressive. I react and respond, I do not provoke. That's been my tendency for my entire life, so now I have to go against my very nature of being invisible to visible and confrontational. I'm a Cancerian! We attack sideways not forwards!

I'm not very confident as you can probably tell. But I will practice and keep going. I'm not about to quit something that breaks up my week and gives me something to look forward to, something that makes me change.

On another note - I'm discouraged with online dating. It's not working out for me. Perhaps the formula that all sites forget to mention is, the # of sizes you are more than a size 0 in dress size, is the number of months it will take for some guy to notice you. And I have to say, I don't have that kind of time. :-(

I can pretend to be strong and confident, but I'm not. I feel like I'm being peeled away and new layers of myself are being exposed, and I don't like it. But it's new and it's daring and it's not me. I'm stepping out my comfort zone and facing different things. I will succeed.

God, help me too succeed. (I can't do it alone.)

Online Dating Rant

Mission –
1 Average looking, smarter than average, bigger than average girl looking for 1 man – doesn’t matter what he looks like as long as he’s attractive (to me), has good hygiene, is smart and very funny.

What does Average Girl do? This average girl signed up for 2 dating websites and has found that the men who say they want “someone to talk to, a nice girl, not full of herself” are looking for Mother Teresa’s spirit in the body of Pamela Anderson. Here’s the problem: Mother Teresa is dead (God rest her soul) and Pamela Anderson might as well be. Harsh, I know. But that woman is a ball of drama, including several failed marriages, an STD and a floundering body as well as career. I’m not here to hate on Pamela Anderson though, because as hard as she has it, the fact that she can still go out there and try – well she deserves some credit.

I know I’m generalizing when I say this (as my friend Steve would be so happy to point out – but then again he’s not this guy I’m talking about) and it’s not like I’m searching for Brad Pitt sans the tribe. I’m looking for a good Christian man, with good character, a good sense of humor and good hygiene. I’ve gone to churches and met guys. Honestly, it’s almost a negative thing to be a Christian man to me now, because I’ve been burned by so many so-called Christian men. But I digress.

Here’s my rant. Why don’t guys respond to me when I try to contact them? What about me is so unattractive that not only will you(to guys) not reply; You don’t even show me the courtesy or respect to reply and tell me you’re uninterested?

Ok, major burn here guys – you’re not that amazing that I’m sitting and waiting for you.

But a true test of character is how you carry yourselves away from prying eyes, even on the Internet. And most of you guys are failing. I’ve had 2 guys out of the 15 that I’ve winked at tell me they’re not interested. I’m glad. Because I know! What about the others? Nothing.

What does all of this tell me? That some guys lie on their profiles (yeah big news development right?) and that not only do they lie, but their so-called pursuit for a meaningful relationship is complete bullshit. And I’m calling you on it.

To all you guys out there who do reply even to say they’re not interested, who truly seek a good, meaningful woman and relationship, believe me, there are girls out there just like the guys above. Keep searching, I have amazing friends who are amazing Women looking for a Man. You’re our hope. Let us be yours.

Peace!