It's been a week....

..since I last saw Dharma.
If you don't know who she was, you were unlucky. She was the cutest little dog. Had the sweetest eyes, and a star on her chest, a fan tail.

I'm talking in the past tense because she's never been gone this long, and she wasn't terribly strong enough to win a fight. I think she's dead. I typed it out.
I'm very sad - more than sad, I'm in mourning.
Everytime I drive home from work, I look out for her running from her meanderings in the neighborhood, and as I drive in it hits me that she's not running anywhere anymore.
Then I get out and I don't see her happy little face looking up at me wanting to be petted.
And it's all I can do to keep from crying. She was an amazing dog.

Here's a few stories about her. The first night I brought her home, I was so worried, I got up several times during the night to check on her. Finally, I just brought her into my bedroom.
As I lay down to sleep at rest, I heard a chewing sound. I hadn't bought her any chew toys yet. When I turned on the light she had chewed through the strap of one of my brand new espadrilles. That was the first but not the last pair of shoes I lost to her chewing. She cost me so much money, but never did I think of getting rid of her.

Another one...One day, my roommate came home with some fast food for dinner. We didn't have a dining room table - so we used an old box on the floor (ghetto - I know). Dharma had just moved in, so she goes over to one of our windows and begins to bark. Serina gets up to investigate, and while Serina is at the window looking for what Dharma was barking at, Dharma had snuck back to eat Serina's food. When Serina returned, she had nothing left.

I loved that dog. I miss her.

Dark Green...

Lots has happened since last time...
1) I'm weaning off my medication so I can be free from any kind of medicinal influence.
2) I've gotten my first cord in Capoeira. (It's like a belt)
3) I'm in love with Capoeira! YAY!
4) I'm happy as I am.
5) I know where I want to go and where I want to be.
6) I have a good life and am looking forward to living it.
7) Going back to NOLA for my ex-roommate's wedding. YAY!
8) Started writing my book again. :)

That's it.'

Don't give up peeps! Life is awesome

Lowered Expectations?

Doubt it.

Look - I'm not Ms. Perfect and I don't expect the guy I'm going to date to be Mr. Perfect, but neither am I willing to settle for someone I know I won't intellectually relate to.

I'm a smart girl, and that I'm saying without trying to be a snob. Oh I'm one of those too - yes, a snob.

I've got a friend telling me to lower my standards and just date the guy who responds. Well, that would work out except i've seen the aftermath of girls who "settle" and I'm better than that. I have a standard and yes a lot of guys fail the test. I don't feel "desperate" enough to reduce those standards even if I do feel lonely at times.

Lonely I can handle when I'm alone. Loneliness brought on by being with someone who doesn't meet my standards, someone I can't have a conversation with, that's even worse.

So, go on "friend", tell me to lower my expectations, you go on and enjoy that girl you'd never have looked at before until you wanted sex more than a relationship, I'm going to hold out, because it seems to me "friend" that you want me to change who I am to face the world. Maybe that's what you do.

But me? I change the world to face me. And it's worked.

I'm not giving up.

Peace out!

Happy Birthday to me.....

So it's official. I'm 28.
Wow.
It's morbid, but I seriously thought I'd die at 25 from a stress induced heart attack. I beat death! For now.
But the point of this blog isn't about dramatic monologues of how my life has not been what I thought it would be.
It hasn't, but not in a bad way at all.
I didn't have a big party - sure I created an event - but I knew that most people wouldn't show.
Here's the thing - it's nice to have a big party with all the bells and whistles, but at the end of the day,
the most important thing I appreciate is, having my friends, my closest friends with me.
Yeah, some of them weren't there - but I knew their thoughts were and that is just so sweet.
I'm grateful for the smaller things in life. Is that a sign of growing older?
Maybe.
I'm still single - but I'm not alone. And that makes life so much richer.
I am blessed.
That's all I need to remember. Happy Birthday to me.

Forgive and forget?

Spent all weekend trying to avoid making 1 phone call. Didn't know what to expect, planned for the worst, but maybe not what actually happened.
The phone call seemed trite, hollow and pointless. Nothing has been resolved.
I'll stop being vague.
As friends, we've been fighting a lot lately. I've been tired and not willing to put up with much and I think it's been the same for him.
Last week, a lot of circumstances came together in such a way that S. thought that I had tried to take some of his credit away from him. I had to rectify the situation and I did, but I was so hurt. How could he believe that I would do something like that? It hurt so much, it felt like something had broken.
So when I say, that I didn't know what to expect on this phone call, it just meant that I didn't know whether we'd hash it out, break all ties, or ...well I had only thought of the two. The third, which S. presented, to just move on? I wasn't a supporter of.
But A. had advised that I stop making my emotions so available to S., and additionally, is it worth it to go over all of this?
I haven't decided yet whether to stay where I am. I also haven't decided yet if it's worth the thought and prayer for a friendship I already know is going to end as soon as S. leaves San Antonio. Is that so harsh?
Season, Reason or life - that's how friendships can be. This one has been far too hurtful to last a lifetime.
This is still so sad tho.
I'll take it one day at a time. God give me the grace to act as you would have me act, and be as you would want me to be. I'm tired of doing this on my own strength and wisdom, I am worn out.
Oh, and I'll be 28 this coming weekend. Anybody got any idea what I should do?

Ennui...

So, lately I've had this difficult time making myself care about the things that I used to have so much patience for at work.
Example - I tend to forget to copy an important department for some output we needed. Yes, I forgot, I admit it. But I find it hard to actually care that the lady responsible for the department is annoyed. I'm sorry, I just don't have it in me to tell you how to do your job, because lately I barely care enough to do mine.
I'm tired of the attitudes, the over-working and the fatigue. Is this worth it?
I just don't care anymore and I have to learn to care. Is something wrong with me that I just see how much harder it has gotten to get past this?
Part of me is worried about this development. It was very sudden - one of my close friends and co-worker's was gone for a week and I had to do his job, and after he came back I was so worn out and tired. I think part of it also is that I had been working on a baby shower and it was more of a chore than doing something for one of my best friends.
It was a great party, but still...the stress leading up to it is something I don't ever want to repeat.

Okay, so I don't feel as chipper as I usually am. Amanda was in town, that was way fun. :)
She's awesome but I totally over ate! I feel gross. Time to go back to eating more controlled amounts of food.

Haha, I'm about to start listening to Eminem too. This isn't going to help my depression.

I need real time off - or real time away from everybody. I need to go somewhere and be free and alone and just scream out loud or something. LOL - it'll be cathartic.
What is cathartic? According to google it is:

• emotionally purging
• purgative: a purging medicine; stimulates evacuation of the bowels
• strongly laxative
  wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Oooh, I don't like the second one or the third one. LOL.

FYI...Joel McHale is a hottie.
And Chelsea Handler is hilarious.

This blog is everywhere. :)

I'm feeling a bit better. Got any advice?

The one party no one wants to be invited to....

Is a pity party.
And here I am, on a Friday night, at home waiting for sleep to overcome me.

Anyone have any idea why I don't seem to get any guy attention on match.com? Seriously, only the old uggos come after me. What does that say about me?
Maybe it's not me? Except, well, I am the common thread. Anyhoo - Party over. I just needed to get that out.

It's been a while for me to write anything. Let's see....Quick Review:
1) I got a "promotion". All the work and responsibilities of a boss without the pay, but I get OT so it balances out.
2) Went to NOLA and LOVED it. That city is beautiful. The homes are just breath-taking, and I was almost speechless. (That's a lot - I'm a major chatterbox.)
3) Working crazy hours but somehow still making it and loving my job. Now if I could only be sure I'd have a job next year it would be perfect.
4) I've been longing for some special man to share my life with. So far no one has really appealed to me, or I've not appealed to anyone. Well, my life is cheaper with 1 person anyways.
5) Finally watched a Dollyrots show! Love them! And the guys are hot!
6) I've been getting a little too drunk a lot more lately. I'm a silly drunk by the way. But I tend to want to run away. The inhibitors I keep up that have always kept me from running away when I'm NOT drunk, are lowered and then I begin to wander. Props to Steve for reigning me in.
7) Capoeira is a blast! I've got muscles almost everywhere, now if I could only get rid of the fat.
8) I'm supposed to be getting decor for the baby shower next weekend and I got nothing. Damn.
9) On the plus side, one of my best friends will be coming by. She's way cool and I'm so happy!
10) I'm coming back to You.

Check ya laterz....