Fuzzy...

I've been walking in a weird depressive funk lately.   My friend left and it's like I lost an arm or something far more valuable.
I've been painting in order to exorcise the feelings I've been having.  So far so good - distance has done a lot to alleviate the symptoms, as has time.  I am making it a point to distance myself, but sometimes I can't help it.

So this post isn't about that at all though, I'm just laying the framework down.

This is about truth. The truth is, I feel more like my old self every day.  The girl who was unbound and free.  Now I'm facing my current situation and wondering what I want to do.  I love to paint, and write and bake.  I want to learn some more - I would love to travel the world and explore the world.  As I grow older, I realize just how short-sighted and shallow my knowledge of the world is.  I want to see more of it.

I'm bound by my current constraints, my job, my life, my decisions, others' expectations. I want to break free.

Do you ever feel like you've been waiting your entire life for something to happen? And it just hasn't happened? I'm there - and I've realized, I have to make it happen.  Can I make it happen?  Am I willing to take the risk...?

You know I think I can - the most joy and pride in myself that I've ever felt in my life is when I have brought forth how I felt, when I presented it, laid it out on the table.  It was a great risk and generally met with rejection or loss; still, I don't give up.  Like hope, I tried to give it up, as well as faith, and I couldn't.  To reject faith and hope was to reject a core part of who I am.

I've been hurting, but it feels like the hurting has been healing me and preparing me for my next jumping point.  And so I paint, and I draw and I write here.

Oh, and I love True Blood.  Its the little things, like HBO that make everything great!

updates....

this is my outlet. The thoughts raging in my head that drown me in despair or make me emotionally eat, I just need to get these out.

First my job. I've had 4 bosses since the beginning of the year. After the first one left I had to take on responsibilities and grow as a manager. But I was drowning. My team, the functions we were responsible for - it wasn't enough. We weren't enough people, the work wasn't sound. I couldn't pull it together, especially now that my team had grown by 1 and this person was sub-par in comparison to S and myself. Harsh judgment but true. The team had to now carry some dead-weight too.

Then the house I'm living in. No hot water for a month and this was during the winter. I had to shower in cold water or at my friends' houses. I started off at their houses but after a while, I was embarrassed. Why couldn't I be somewhere with hot water. The floors would break, there were vermin issues. I was getting depressed.

That sounds like I recovered doesn't it? I feel depressed.

My insecurities have popped up too. I've always had them, but now I felt even worse. I see insult in every benign statement.

I had just left my anti-depressants, and been doing so well. Now it seems that the anxiety I suffered, and the insecurities have come back.

Am I stronger than this?

 I sure hope so.

All of this just confuses me and makes me edgy, tired and annoyed. With myself.

So then, there's the whole I feel lonely and need a man thing. Not so easy when u spend your days working or not going out because you feel fat and ugly. Which is how I feel.

I mean I am fat, so that would be why that's happening.

You know? I can do better than this, better than insecurities and fear. I am stronger than this. I hope.

I need to get out of where I am - there has to be better.

You tell me - is there better?

So tired...

So, today I left work with my friend and co-worker mad at me. We had started to bicker over the fact that I won't indiscriminately approve his PTO, and how he could retaliate against me. And I just shut up.
I didn't want to fight anymore and I didn't want to throw something out there that would hurt our friendship.
I'm tired of him trying to manipulate me into doing what he wants. I feel like I can't even make my own decisions without him second guessing them for me.
I'm tired.
And then afterwards, I just felt so heartrendingly lonely. That feeling of, no one will ever want me as I am and I have no desire to change. Actually, I change all the time, but it feels so sad to be alone.
It's not that bad you know. I'm not dying or in serious pain or anything. Mini-pity party!

That's it for now~

Nothing in particular...

You know how sometimes you have an amazing realization about yourself. You realize you are talented beyond imagination, or that you possess a skill that leads to your passions being fulfilled. I had the anti-realization.
I'm average.
I picture it as this - In the movie of Life, there are stars, supporting characters, villains, heroes and everything in between. I'm passerby#3. I don't even have a name, nor a speaking part.
I'm so unexceptional that if we were to walk by each other, I wouldn't be a shadow.

No, I'm not trying to put myself down. (Well - I do self-deprecate though.)

My point is, I feel so uninspiring. I have no particular talent, nothing that is wholly me.
I have my idiosyncracies of course, but anything to make me special? I don't think so.

I observe others all the time, and I lean back and see other people's special qualities. I do not see any in myself.
I just feel so .... unreleased.

On a side note, I've gotten braces.

And here's my funny story:
When it was just my younger brother and I, we'd always drink water from the water jug my mom kept cool in the fridge. Everytime I went to take a drink, I'd always have to go to the bathroom. So, as I was drinking, I would awkwardly stand and draw my knees together. It never failed.

So, one night my brother did the same thing. I asked him why and he said because I always did.

Self-Awareness...

So, the weekend before Thanksgiving and I had a few self-revelations.

First of all, as I was driving home from buying the pie's for the work Thanksgiving meal, I found that my mom would be telling me stories. I mean these weren't just stories, they were rambling epics that detailed things from the past and the present, and I would get so lost. Then I smiled, because she did this a lot and most of the time I didn't listen (because most of the time when she talked I was trying to watch TV.)

The I remembered the way my friend S. would act when I was chattering at him, and my smile grew wider.  Of course, I had inherited my chatterbox tendencies from my mother.

Then there's the whole broken heart. I finished reading a book that broke my heart because while the story was of life, it wasn't a life free from heartache or pain. I cried for the characters and their losses. I rarely get so emotionally involved (preferring to remain emotionally uninvolved in my reading as in my life.)

But I cried, big tear drops that soaked my sleep shirt. A broken heart that overflowed and threatened to overwhelm me in emotion.

All because of a book. Wow.

So then I started to wonder about my life, where I was going and what I was doing.

I can't say I'm happy with who I am at the moment.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my life,  but then the parts when I'm by myself and I observe who I am, recall my reactions and I realize, I could be better.

I'm getting braces soon but that won't fix my personality or character.

I also want to be healthier, but I find myself suffering from so much anxiety at the prospect of going back to Capoeira. Part of it is the people. I find I can barely relate to them sometimes, and when I can't relate I can't tolerate.

It's my personality again - it's all my naturally nervous tendencies. I have started weaning off my anti-dep/anti-anxiety medication. I don't want to get back on those, so I think I'm going to start researching meditation techniques. Oh and following these rules (borrowed from Helen Fielding and Olivia Joules)

Very Useful Rules for Living Stolen from Olivia Joules

1. Never panic. Stop, breathe, think.
2. No one is thinking about you. They're thinking about themselves, just like you.
3. Never change haircut or color before an importan event.
4. Nothing is either as bad or as good as it seems.
5. Do as you would be done by, e.g. thou shalt not kill.
6. It is better to buy one expensive thing that you really like than several cheap ones that you only quite like.
7. Hardly anything matters: If you get upset, ask yourself, "Does it really matter?"
8. The key to success lies in how you pick yourself up from failure.
9. Be honest and kind.
10. Only buy clothes that make you feel like doing a small dance.
11. Trust your instincts, not your overactive imagination.
12. When overwhelmed by disaster, check if it's really a disaster by doing the following: 

      (a) think, "oh, F*&% it," 

      (b) look on the bright side and, if that doesn't work, look on the funny side.
If neither of the above works then maybe it is a disaster so turn to items 1 and 4.
13. Don't expect the world to be safe or life to be fair.
14. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
15. Don't regret anything. Remember that wasn't anything else that could have happened, given who you were and the state of the world at the moment. The only thing you can change is the present, so learn from the past.
16. If you start regretting something and thinking, "I should have done..." always add, "but then I might have been run over by a lorry or blown up by a Japanese-manned torpedo." 

The promise of a future....

So, Halloween is around the corner. And I'm very excited. My Halloween costume is very cute and just a little bit sexy. Oh and short. I did get some ridiculous high heels for it too. I plan to have fun.

But that's not the point of this e-mail. The point is I'm feeling excited. My heart feels fluttery and hopeful. Enough of that though, I don't want to over-analyze something, I just want to leave it alone and smile.


Lately, I've noticed that I've been gaining more self-confidence. I'm self-aware too. I know I'm extremely flawed (i.e. quirky, weird, and annoying.) but I'm also funny, charming, cute and ready to go with the flow. I'm not a hopeless head case of a girl that no guy in his right mind would want. I'm just an average girl.

That doesn't sound like I think much of myself does it? I do, it's being self-aware but being content and happy where you are.

I hope you feel the same way or are on your way to getting there.

Peace...

ARGH....

So I had a big fight with my friend today. It was all good when we were the same level, but now I'm his boss and it's hard and weird.

How do I reconcile the fact that I'm a boss and have responsibilities to the company I work for and the responsibilities I have to my friend?

I care about him very much and it was hard to be so responsible to my job. He attacked me and who I 'became'.  I want to say I'm sorry, but I can't change what happened.

Will I always be judged like this? It's almost better if I did leave, at least I wouldn't be scared of retributive actions against me. I wouldn't be scared of ruining a friendship.

How do I deal with this?

Saturday Nights...

They are something else? Have you realized that?
OK, so what am I doing up at 3:30 AM? Well, let me start my tale.

I woke up late, having skipped Capoeira because I was catching up on sleep. (I'm back on the wagon next week - my muscles are getting soft!)

After being still for a while, i.e. being lazy, I got ready and headed out to my parents house so I could take my mom to run some errands. After that - we went for lunch at Red Lobster. It was great.

So, I get back to my house and make plans with Ethni to go visit a favorite Karaoke dive bar. I did some laundry and such. So I start to get ready and what do I find as I'm leaving my room? My cat walks in with a mouse in her mouth. Without my glasses I didn't recognize immediately but as it began to squirm I saw what it was and began to scream at my cat to get out, drop the mouse and repeat. I wasn't terribly imaginative in my freaked out state.

I called my mom and told her to send my brothers to deal with. I used the house phone to call since my cell phone was on the other side of the cat. I screamed at her what had happened and what I needed and I finished getting ready. (Best to not think about it.)

My brothers came over and told me that Paige had done that a lot. Also, where were their souvenirs from New Orleans. They left and so did I.

I got to the bar with my friend and we sat down trying to figure out what to sing. I had nothing, she had a few staples.

We ended up picking good songs:
Ethni picked Last Dance by Donna Summer, It's My Life by Bon Jovi and ended with Dream On by Aerosmith.

I picked Black Velvet by Alannah Myles, I want you to want me by Trick Pony and ended with Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' by Journey.

We were good. But the other people their were FUN!The DJ was awesome and rocked the mike. Literally. Others showed off their incredible talent, or incredible sense of fun. Honestly, the sense of fun was so much better. I am hoarse now - not because of the singing but because of cheering and screaming and singing along with the other singers.A guy sang Bye, Bye, Bye by NSync and he also sang Big Butts. Some girls sang My humps. There was a lot of dancing, laughing, jeering and cheering. It was great.

Afterward, we went to Jim's restaurant for food. Now I'm letting my food sit for a bit before crashing.
I'll be tired tomorrow, but you know, I haven't had an awesome night like this in a long long long time.

I am so glad for it. (Once in a while is great, all of the time? Not so much!)

Good Night/Morning!

The Big Easy...

So I'm here in New Orleans. Finally, at long last.

The first few days I was there by myself. It was strange. I liked the freedom, but I felt lonely. I reverted to my anti-social tendencies and would hide out in my room to going out and meeting people. It's hard for me to do that.
I did notice that New Orleans has a pulsing life that doesn't ever really stop. Especially in the French Quarter.
You feel and are felt by the city. It breathes and lives and moves and grows and you are just allowed to step through. This sentient being has been alive much longer than I am and it's both fearsome and nurturing, just like nature.

It smells, the people are dramatic and beautiful, and I felt like a pale shadow passing through all of the color.

When I finally got to walk Bourbon Street, I had to avert my eyes several times. Yes, I am still an old-fashioned girl.
It was great - a street full of vice and entertainment. And while I did want to go in and enjoy some revelers singing karaoke, I found myself tired.

The food is amazing and stretches the limits of my taste buds. I highly recommend Couchon Butcher, Coop's and The Chartres House Cafe. As for drinks - I have yet to try the Hurricane, but I did try the hand grenade and it was very delicious.

I'm waiting to get ready for the wedding and it's a tough business. I want to stay and enjoy the city some more, but I have to go. I did come for that did I not?

This isn't flowing very well is it? It's okay.

I love being alive and being out here on my own. I don't know if I could make it going out and meeting people, but I sure could try.

I think I would succeed. I can be charming.

Oh, lately I've been feeling so unattractive. It has nothing to do with being rejected by my friend last week. Or maybe it does. No, it's me. I'm weaning off some of my medication so I have to learn to stabilize myself.
So far it's been good. I think I've been able to reign in a lot of my uncontrollable negative emotions, although it may be manifesting itself as aggression. Not that I'm an aggressive person,but I can tell that my aggressive thoughts are increasing.

There is a hole in my heart right now. I really miss my dog. She just always loved me and I could feel her love, and now she's gone missing and I think she's dead. I miss her companionship and her love and her adorable sweet eyes. The other dogs miss her too. I can tell, they're sad. And when they see me they are always happy to see me too. They almost seem like Dharma. Wagging tails, trusting eyes. But they won't ever let me touch them.

I have Paige too but her eyes aren't sweet and loving. Here I am tearing up - I'm in one of the best cities in the world and I'm mourning my dog.

I'm a simple girl you know? I used to be such a sweet person too, but then..I learned that the world doesn't tolerate sweet people. So now, I have to be complex to guard myself.

This is far more than being an entry about a city. It's about me, but then aren't all blogs about me anyways?

I digress....

This video expresses how I feel right now - Jar of Hearts

It's done...

So I told him how I felt.
That's what I hadn't mentioned before, mostly because he started reading this blog not too long ago.
Well he read A blog, don't know if he's reading all of them.

Anyhoo, I basically told one of my friends that I liked him. His response was kind, but it was a rejection. No surprise there right?

I'm okay, a bit sad and a little disappointed, but that's primarily why I did it over a weekend. So I could recover.

The best part about it was that I had my friends supporting me the entire way. They didn't agree with what I did, or that I was even doing it for the right person for me, but they supported me. That was so sweet.

So the night's over, that's over, and I'm ready to go to sleep.

Goodnight...

New Nickname...

So I finally got a new nickname in my Capoeira class! It's Certinho!
Which according to Google Translate means "right things".

My instructor emphasized that it was describing my anal nature (since I'm an accountant).
I couldn't disagree with him. Plus it's better than say "tall girl who sucks"! Hahaha

 And I got my butt kicked. Oh well, learning how to fight is the reason I'm in this class.

So last night I stayed up way late last night because I was furious about my current job situation. I ended up applying to 4 different jobs. 2 at my same company though. I love where I work and I love doing what I do, but what I get paid isn't enough to meet my goal of moving out of where I'm staying now. So I have to move on. I want to move out of here in 6 months. Can I do it? I don't know.

I suppose I should have more faith.

Next weekend I'm in New Orleans! Whoo-Hoo! I love it! I'm so excited. I am going to party SO MUCH!
Because, heck, why not?

There's so much to do and get done, I feel old and yet young.

LOL oh and while I'm on the topic of youth, the girl I was training in class today was shocked when I told her I was 28. She said i looked more like 16. Really? Cool! :D

Oh and while I was fighting - I saw my green cord whip soar through the air and got distracted. hahahaha.
I'm getting better tho! Yay!
I love Capoeira! I'm so glad I'm here!
Besos!!!

Hollow Feelings...

I gave blood today. It drained me in so many ways.
I've been struggling lately with a personal realization.  It's hard - I can't believe I missed something so obvious. I'm looking everywhere for signs for or against what I'm feeling and nothing happens.
I'm in deeper than I know.
The worst part is I'm so insecure now.
The best part is that I feel alive again.

Monsters

No, this isn't about Lady Gaga.
I was talking to one of my friends and he brought up the idea of attacking zombies with a space raptor. Then I said, what if the zombies take one of them down! Then we'll have zombie space raptors! Not cool.
(There's a point to this.)
Then I was like...you know? No wonder God didn't create any "monsters", human beings are monstrous enough. I mean, I just finished reading The Road by Cormac McCarthy and it was devastating in it's simplicity and realism. I can see society becoming one where many lose their humanity and succumb to the greed of pursuing their miserable existence by harvesting the bodies of other people for food.

Or take World War Z, where governments, trying to hide the reality of something or are denying that dead infected people are being reanimated, explain it as political unrest at best, a mild disturbance at worst.

What is so frightening is how closely these stories resemble the reality of humanity's reaction to adversity. I know our history is full of some rising up and being strong and courageous in the face of adversity, but our history is also full of stories where people have destroyed one another for the sake of some belief that was flawed.

Flawed beliefs are held by all, how do we surpass these?

And when it comes down to it, will you stand and be strong? or will you succumb to the selfishness of life and consume others - metaphorically or literally?

There are things that go bump in the night - I fear them more than the phantoms in my mind or on my television screen.

Words aren't enough....

So, I had a nice date on Friday. But the guy...well there was too much drama and baggage. I've always said I didn't want to "fix" a guy. This guy, needed fixing in lots of ways.

That's not why I'm here though.

Are you happy with your life? Just as it is? Or are you waiting for something more to come by?
My recommendation? Live your life! It's amazing just as it is. Don't wait - Life is meant to be enjoyed not to be wasted. I'm not an expert but wouldn't it be better to look back and see memories that make you smile?
Look, we've all had sucky lives, myself definitely included, but that is in the past. Get your therapy, talk it out with friends, take medications but move on! Let it go! It's a part of you, it's not who you are.

It's like a stone thrown into a pond. The ripples will always be there, but the stone has already sunk to the bottom, the water will still, the pond remains.

haha, I know that's a bit cliche, but hang in there. Hope always remains.

peace...

It's been a week....

..since I last saw Dharma.
If you don't know who she was, you were unlucky. She was the cutest little dog. Had the sweetest eyes, and a star on her chest, a fan tail.

I'm talking in the past tense because she's never been gone this long, and she wasn't terribly strong enough to win a fight. I think she's dead. I typed it out.
I'm very sad - more than sad, I'm in mourning.
Everytime I drive home from work, I look out for her running from her meanderings in the neighborhood, and as I drive in it hits me that she's not running anywhere anymore.
Then I get out and I don't see her happy little face looking up at me wanting to be petted.
And it's all I can do to keep from crying. She was an amazing dog.

Here's a few stories about her. The first night I brought her home, I was so worried, I got up several times during the night to check on her. Finally, I just brought her into my bedroom.
As I lay down to sleep at rest, I heard a chewing sound. I hadn't bought her any chew toys yet. When I turned on the light she had chewed through the strap of one of my brand new espadrilles. That was the first but not the last pair of shoes I lost to her chewing. She cost me so much money, but never did I think of getting rid of her.

Another one...One day, my roommate came home with some fast food for dinner. We didn't have a dining room table - so we used an old box on the floor (ghetto - I know). Dharma had just moved in, so she goes over to one of our windows and begins to bark. Serina gets up to investigate, and while Serina is at the window looking for what Dharma was barking at, Dharma had snuck back to eat Serina's food. When Serina returned, she had nothing left.

I loved that dog. I miss her.

Dark Green...

Lots has happened since last time...
1) I'm weaning off my medication so I can be free from any kind of medicinal influence.
2) I've gotten my first cord in Capoeira. (It's like a belt)
3) I'm in love with Capoeira! YAY!
4) I'm happy as I am.
5) I know where I want to go and where I want to be.
6) I have a good life and am looking forward to living it.
7) Going back to NOLA for my ex-roommate's wedding. YAY!
8) Started writing my book again. :)

That's it.'

Don't give up peeps! Life is awesome

Lowered Expectations?

Doubt it.

Look - I'm not Ms. Perfect and I don't expect the guy I'm going to date to be Mr. Perfect, but neither am I willing to settle for someone I know I won't intellectually relate to.

I'm a smart girl, and that I'm saying without trying to be a snob. Oh I'm one of those too - yes, a snob.

I've got a friend telling me to lower my standards and just date the guy who responds. Well, that would work out except i've seen the aftermath of girls who "settle" and I'm better than that. I have a standard and yes a lot of guys fail the test. I don't feel "desperate" enough to reduce those standards even if I do feel lonely at times.

Lonely I can handle when I'm alone. Loneliness brought on by being with someone who doesn't meet my standards, someone I can't have a conversation with, that's even worse.

So, go on "friend", tell me to lower my expectations, you go on and enjoy that girl you'd never have looked at before until you wanted sex more than a relationship, I'm going to hold out, because it seems to me "friend" that you want me to change who I am to face the world. Maybe that's what you do.

But me? I change the world to face me. And it's worked.

I'm not giving up.

Peace out!

Happy Birthday to me.....

So it's official. I'm 28.
Wow.
It's morbid, but I seriously thought I'd die at 25 from a stress induced heart attack. I beat death! For now.
But the point of this blog isn't about dramatic monologues of how my life has not been what I thought it would be.
It hasn't, but not in a bad way at all.
I didn't have a big party - sure I created an event - but I knew that most people wouldn't show.
Here's the thing - it's nice to have a big party with all the bells and whistles, but at the end of the day,
the most important thing I appreciate is, having my friends, my closest friends with me.
Yeah, some of them weren't there - but I knew their thoughts were and that is just so sweet.
I'm grateful for the smaller things in life. Is that a sign of growing older?
Maybe.
I'm still single - but I'm not alone. And that makes life so much richer.
I am blessed.
That's all I need to remember. Happy Birthday to me.

Forgive and forget?

Spent all weekend trying to avoid making 1 phone call. Didn't know what to expect, planned for the worst, but maybe not what actually happened.
The phone call seemed trite, hollow and pointless. Nothing has been resolved.
I'll stop being vague.
As friends, we've been fighting a lot lately. I've been tired and not willing to put up with much and I think it's been the same for him.
Last week, a lot of circumstances came together in such a way that S. thought that I had tried to take some of his credit away from him. I had to rectify the situation and I did, but I was so hurt. How could he believe that I would do something like that? It hurt so much, it felt like something had broken.
So when I say, that I didn't know what to expect on this phone call, it just meant that I didn't know whether we'd hash it out, break all ties, or ...well I had only thought of the two. The third, which S. presented, to just move on? I wasn't a supporter of.
But A. had advised that I stop making my emotions so available to S., and additionally, is it worth it to go over all of this?
I haven't decided yet whether to stay where I am. I also haven't decided yet if it's worth the thought and prayer for a friendship I already know is going to end as soon as S. leaves San Antonio. Is that so harsh?
Season, Reason or life - that's how friendships can be. This one has been far too hurtful to last a lifetime.
This is still so sad tho.
I'll take it one day at a time. God give me the grace to act as you would have me act, and be as you would want me to be. I'm tired of doing this on my own strength and wisdom, I am worn out.
Oh, and I'll be 28 this coming weekend. Anybody got any idea what I should do?

Ennui...

So, lately I've had this difficult time making myself care about the things that I used to have so much patience for at work.
Example - I tend to forget to copy an important department for some output we needed. Yes, I forgot, I admit it. But I find it hard to actually care that the lady responsible for the department is annoyed. I'm sorry, I just don't have it in me to tell you how to do your job, because lately I barely care enough to do mine.
I'm tired of the attitudes, the over-working and the fatigue. Is this worth it?
I just don't care anymore and I have to learn to care. Is something wrong with me that I just see how much harder it has gotten to get past this?
Part of me is worried about this development. It was very sudden - one of my close friends and co-worker's was gone for a week and I had to do his job, and after he came back I was so worn out and tired. I think part of it also is that I had been working on a baby shower and it was more of a chore than doing something for one of my best friends.
It was a great party, but still...the stress leading up to it is something I don't ever want to repeat.

Okay, so I don't feel as chipper as I usually am. Amanda was in town, that was way fun. :)
She's awesome but I totally over ate! I feel gross. Time to go back to eating more controlled amounts of food.

Haha, I'm about to start listening to Eminem too. This isn't going to help my depression.

I need real time off - or real time away from everybody. I need to go somewhere and be free and alone and just scream out loud or something. LOL - it'll be cathartic.
What is cathartic? According to google it is:

• emotionally purging
• purgative: a purging medicine; stimulates evacuation of the bowels
• strongly laxative
  wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

Oooh, I don't like the second one or the third one. LOL.

FYI...Joel McHale is a hottie.
And Chelsea Handler is hilarious.

This blog is everywhere. :)

I'm feeling a bit better. Got any advice?